Flash back to the beginning of the night: you were getting ready with your roommate. She was straightening the back of your hair (that spot you always seem to miss), and you were helping her choose a top that’s “not too slutty.” The night seemed so promising.
Flash forward to the end of the night: your straightened hair is now curly, and you’re trying to decide if going back with this guy you just met is “too slutty.” And it all went downhill from there…
Have you ever found yourself in a ~sticky~ situation? No fear, Her Campus is here!
When the Condom Breaks…The whole night seems like a blur. One moment you’re swing dancing at the party. The next moment you’re running to his room ripping each other’s clothes off. You guys move things to the bed, and things are getting heated. A few minutes later, something doesn’t quite seem right. He’s staring into your eyes quizzically and the romance has flickered out. He looks up at you and asks — no, pleads — “Are you on the pill?” Well, shit.
When You Wake Up and Don’t Remember His Name…I don’t have that poster hanging on my wall… And this isn’t my comforter… Where am I? And who is this boy lying next to me? Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, did we have sex? What is his name? These unanswered questions consume your hazy mind. Why can’t I remember anything? You have two options: grab your clothes and RUN. Or ask for his number, so you can slyly learn it without embarrassing yourself #sneaky
When He Can’t Get it Up…There are two different ways that you can deal with this situation. You can go back to your own room. I mean… you guys just met that night anyway… Or you stay. Because you know each other pretty well and you don’t only like him for his package.
When Your Gag Reflex Doesn’t Approve…Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. You literally just threw up on his manparts. You literally cannot blame this on anything else. You have to think quickly. Apologize a million times over. Be a broken record, god damnit. At least you’re even for the time he couldn’t get it up?
When Your Roommate Comes Back Early…You’re on top; he’s on bottom. You decided to try a new sex position, and you honestly don’t even understand how or what your legs are doing. Aaaaand your roommate opens the door. Your roommate has now seen things that cannot be unseen. The hallway light floods into the room and illuminates you and your partner’s nudity. There’s no going back. Odds that your roommate stays put where she is? Zero to none. Without words exchanged, the door closes shut, and you’re back on top! You go, Glen Coco.
When You Get Your Period in the Middle of Sex…Things were going extremely well. I mean reallllly well. Like maybe the best sex you’ve ever had. But… his white sheets are now stained red. How lovely. You’re blushing so hard that your cheeks match his newly stained sheets. Crap this is awkward. Just apologize. If you’re feeling nice, offer to wash them or buy him a new set at Walmart. And if he’s mad about it…. yell, “Fuck you. It’s mother nature. You asshole.” And walk out of his room.
When You Forget to Shave…It depends how important this is to you. Weigh your values. Would you rather get laid or freak out about not shaving a few hours before? Let’s put it this way: the guy you’re sleeping with will be much more upset when he has blue balls than if you’re a little hairy down there.
If You Queef…Well. It happened. And it can’t be unheard.
If you’ve made it through the article, then we’d like to say congratulations. These incredibly uncomfortable, cringe-worthy moments are just that: incredibly uncomfortable. But it’s OK because you are not alone. For all its glory in movies, sex can actually be really weird. And that’s the issue. Sex in movies is so perfect- nothing ever seems to go wrong. Consequently, we never seem to talk about the many things that can and (quite often) do go awry. We become so focused on upholding an immaculate image of love that we forget it’s completely normal to experience a condom breaking, a little bit of blood, or whatever it may be. Embrace these moments, and share your stories. Focus on presenting a perfectly imperfect story of your hookup last night- it’s the awkward stories that get the most laughs anyway.