You think you have it all together and then something throws you off course. You realize something or you go through some life-altering event, and you have to readjust. I really thought I had figured out life. I thought I was with the guy I was going to marry, and that I was going to get some job so I could have money and move in with him and that was it. That’s the extent of the excitement I would experience in life. That’s when things changed and I realized what my dreams were. Actually, I learned how to dream. Sure, there were always things I wanted, but I didn’t put them first. I never figured out how I was going to accomplish what I wanted for myself before I let someone else into my life.
Things changed and I didn’t have this serious relationship anymore. I’m incredibly happy to be able to go for what I want in life without worrying about another person, but that also scares me. It scares me because I wonder if I can ever fit another person in my life in a positive, supportive way. When I think back on my previous relationship I was not truly supportive of my partner. His goals obviously differed from mine, but I never felt like I was important enough in the relationship to establish enough value for myself to then value his interests. And that was just it, we had different interests and I never allowed myself to realize that. I changed myself so I would fit with another person, and I’m ashamed of that.
He wasn’t the one for me, but it took a while to realize that. A lot of the doubt surrounding my relationship was happening around the time when I was figuring out what I wanted to do in the future. I decided to change my major because I had finally found what I was passionate about, which was centered around my love for Boston. This self-discovery that I was able to accomplish completely on my own made me think it was time to put everything I had into my own goals. I knew they weren’t aligning with the other person in my life, but I assumed that would work its way out.
When I finally understood I wasn’t going to get happier in this situation and the relationship ended, it was scary. The hardest part was explaining why I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. It felt like a classic “it’s not you, it’s me,” situation but no one ever believes that or gets what it truly means. While I still cared about this person, I knew what we had was not going to foster my growth. I had to say goodbye to a part of my life; the part of my past that I was holding on to and the comfortable things that I was used to.
I started worrying that I was going to be a mess because I had done something terrible and hurt this other person. I failed an exam in the same week this was happening, and I wondered if I would be able to get back into the swing of things. I finally had a turn around when I put all of my effort into my own success. I secured a spot on the staff for a summer program at Boston University. I worked extra hard and aced the next test in the class where I had failed before. I spent more time with friends and stayed in touch with my family, coming to the conclusion that I have the best support system in the world.
As a result, I definitely feel different. I have much less of a desire to be in the town where I met my ex and where we spent most of our time. I was officially able to fully appreciate Boston and my life at BU, which I am so grateful for. I always knew I loved BU, but I often went home on the weekends to see this other person. I never knew that I resented this sacrifice until the relationship ended. I wished I had spent more time in my favorite city, but I know now that being in Boston and appreciating that time is just what I need to reach my goals.
Photo Credit: Sonja Caballero
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