Just recently I broke up with a friend of mine. The friendship that we had started to become toxic, and was beginning to affect my mental health – and I needed to put myself first. What came to a shock for me, however, was that this relationship I had with my (ex)-friend was actually classic of a toxic relationship. I had gone through plenty of toxic relationships in the past – and I always thought that because I had gone through it, I would know better now, and I wouldn’t have to go through it again.
However, clearly, I was wrong. Toxic relationships can manifest in many different ways – sometimes altering throughout your lifetime. While I can’t speak for how they may manifest when you’re fifty, I can offer some advice on how to identify a friendship/relationship that is turning toxic now.
Signs That Your Relationship is Turning Toxic
1. They keep reminding you of the things you did wrong in the past.
Constantly reminding you of things you did in the past, and not letting go of that one time you forgot to feed the goldfish that you both own, is toxic. It’s making you feel horrible for things that were said and done, and what can’t really be taken back.
2. They lash out at you.
While it’s understandable that someone who is upset or angry may lash out at you, it becomes less understandable when this is starting to become the norm. You aren’t anyone’s punching bag – you shouldn’t have to keep being the victim of their frustrations.
3. Blaming you for all of the issues in their life.
Going off of the last point, you clearly aren’t their punching bag. You don’t have to take the blame for things that you didn’t do, or things that happen in their lives. If you hear things like “If you were a better friend, then this wouldn’t have happened,” or “You didn’t help me when..”.
4. You do them favors but they never come through for you.
If you feel like you’re constantly helping them move, pick up their groceries, walking their dog, taking care of their plants, going to their events/fundraisers, and they aren’t doing anything for you – it’s likely that they don’t really value your friendship as anything more than a means-to-an-end. In any relationship, it’s a mutual commitment to care for one another, not just one person.
5. Constantly ditching you.
Don’t make excuses for them – if they ditched plans that you’ve made with them for a year, and get angry whenever you cancel, it’s likely that this relationship isn’t working out. A friendship is a two-way street – and it’s important for them to actually be there during the process.
6. They don’t like it when you change.
Change is good (sometimes), and people have to accept that you aren’t going to be the same person forever. I agree that at a certain point in your life, change starts to decrease, but it’s not like it’s not going to happen. True friends can accept all the changes that you bring in their lives.
7. The drama.
Do you have a friend that somehow always drags you in the middle of a fight that you don’t want to be a part of? Or a friend that tells you about the need to alienate a friend of yours – but they’re still the nicest person to them? Yeah – that’s definitely a friendship (not) worth keeping. That person is supposed to make life go by more swimmingly, not throw you in turbid waters.
8. Downplaying your problems.
I’ve once had a phone call with a friend, where I was supposed to talk about a legit problem I was having, and we ended up with an hour-long conversation about her hair – because her hair was more important than anything that I could have been dealing with at that moment. While most of these conversations won’t have similar stark comparisons – they may take the form of “Oh, well I went through this last year…”, or even, “You think that’s bad…”
9. Gaslighting.
Don’t let someone doubt yourself and make you question who you are as a person, or whether the things that happen to you are real. Just don’t.
What You Can Do
Leave them. Honestly, it’s just as simple as that. Unless the relationship is starting to get to an abusive level – where you may need help from someone, it’s always simple to cut that person out of your life.
Here’s the thing with toxic friends – they make you think that you really need them in your life. I used to think that. I was so scared that I would be left alone – I wouldn’t be able to go to the same events or meetings anymore, but I did. And I honestly feel so much better – I don’t feel as tied down anymore.
Choose yourself. Seriously.
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