The Psychology of Attraction

Valentine’s Day- should you hate it? Or should you use it to seize the opportunity to be romantic and maybe…maybe finally tell that guy you’ve been eyeing that you have a little crush on him?

I have a personal beef with Valentine’s Day because I have never had a Valentine and my year-long high school boyfriend and I happened to be broken up over the holiday- perfect. So I’ve pretty much completely given up on the male population to surprise me with some grand romantic gesture, and as much as I loathe the day it still tends to spark the romantic in me. Despite being boyfriend- less on the day of hearts and cupids, I seem to almost always have a crush, which may or may not simply be a product of enhanced romantic feelings due to the intoxication of flowers and chocolates everywhere.

Valentine’s Day tends to make the awareness of a crush almost intolerable, and the temptation to reveal your feelings keeps building… but what if he doesn’t feel the same? The devastation would be awful. The revelation could make for the best or worst V-Day in history.

In the past, the two weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day tend to have me in a slightly psychotic state where all I can do is think about the male population and every cute boy I’ve ever seen, and wonder if by some cosmic act one of them will pop up on the 14th with flowers and profess his love. I still hold out hope of this happening, but in the chance that it doesn’t I have come across a discovery, buried in my psychology textbook, that may be of use: The rules of attraction and liking as defined in terms of psychology. What makes people like one another? And more importantly how can you tell if that certain someone likes you? Here I present to you the rules of attraction as defined by psychologist David G. Myers in his book Social Psychology- you may be surprised what it ultimately boils down to!

Proximity- Yes, merely being around someone often is the starting point of attraction. People tend to marry those who they are geographically closer to- people who they live, work, and study with. People also have adapted so that they tend to like others who they anticipate seeing often, because fighting with those who you know you’re going to be around would be extremely counter-productive. Also, familiarity breeds liking, because in the past, our ancestors realized that what is familiar is often safe and not a threat, therefore they tended to like it more. So repeated exposure and anticipation of interaction is the first step to long-term attraction.

Physical Attractiveness- As stereotypical as it is, physical attractiveness is the number one thing that initially catches people’s eye, slightly more so for men than women (no surprise there). In the past, beauty often denoted fertility and other desirable traits, so it played a key role in survival. Surprisingly, across cultures what people tend to see as most attractive is looking, in a word, average. People are attracted to symmetry and similarity, so the more average and symmetrical a face is, the more pleasing it tends to be. Also, when we like someone or have things in common with them we start to see them as more attractive. So although physical attractiveness is a key factor, our perception of how attractive someone is can change as we get to know them.

Similarity- Birds of a feather do, in fact, tend to flock together. Again, similarity breeds liking, so similar attitudes and likes/dislikes tend to attract us to someone more than differing viewpoints. Which begs the question- do opposites attract? At this point, research has never been able to prove this theory. People gravitate towards those who are similar- even to the point that a depressed person often prefers to be around another depressed person than someone who is happy. We like those who share our feelings and attitudes, and although complementary attitudes can evolve in a relationship, relationships usually don’t start from opposite feelings.

Liking those who like us- Experiments have shown that when we like people who like us, and when someone reveals that they like you, it can awaken romantic feelings. Criticism tends to impact people more than compliments, so even the slightest critique can leave behind a negative impression. But praise and liking? The two in combination are your ticket to scoring favor among those around you. But it has to be sincere. If people perceive flattery as simply a device to gain favor they won’t respond well. Constant approval can lose value, but honesty trending towards being more positive tends to boost liking.

Rewards- We tend to like those who we associate with rewards. I don’t mean going out and buying lavish gifts, simply the reward of feeling good around someone is enough to breed liking and attraction. When we are relaxed, we like those around us more, and the best relationships are associated with positive things, whether it’s positive feelings or walks on the beach.

Ok, so the above five factors are all factors that lead to liking, not necessarily love. Love is a far more complex emotion than liking, but liking isn’t a bad place to start right? Especially with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I’d be perfectly happy with a good dose of liking from that special someone.

So what do the five ultimately boil down to? Basically, if you’re around someone a lot who is attractive, who you share similarities with and tend to feel good around, you’ll like them, and, more importantly, they will like you too. So if you’ve ever wondered if you should divulge your feelings to that special guy in your life- go through the list. Are you two around each other often? Do you have things in common? Are you usually relaxed and sharing positive experiences around each other? If so, take the plunge! And remember that the revelation that you like him may very well spark his romantic feelings too.