By Ronnie Finley
Eating healthy turns into dieting and dieting turns into restricting calories and restricting calories turns into starving and you don’t know how to stop. You don’t know whom to turn to and you definitely can’t turn to yourself because you don’t even know who you are anymore. You learn to find comfort in the faint and dizzy feeling you get every time you stand up. Faking that you actually do eat enough becomes a game in the most twisted way. Yet, you still force a counterfeit smile to widen across your sunken-in face and you breathe out telling yourself, “I am okay. I don’t need help.”
I have battled with an eating disorder and body distortion issues since I was eight years old. It started off as negative self-talk and I got into the habit of staring at my reflection in the mirror, picking apart my body and deeming which parts were okay and which parts were not. It was a self-esteem issue, and it did not turn into a serious illness until my freshman year of high school.
I began compulsively working out and I looked forward to the end of the day when I could count the difference between the calories I ate versus the calories I burned. Weighing myself became the highlight of my day and I craved to feel the rigid outlines of my ribs and my emaciated cheekbones. I found comfort in slowly dying.
I look back on this dark period of my life and I want to give my 14-year-old self a hug. I want to dry her tears and look directly into her naïve, green eyes and tell her that she is worth more than a number on a scale. I want her to know that “perfection” is not real.
It wasn’t until late sophomore year of high school that my parents noticed what was going on and I was medically diagnosed with anorexia. My excuses for not eating caught up to me and my body was deteriorating quickly. My parents took me to the doctor and I was sent to an inpatient hospital for girls suffering with eating disorders.
This entire period of my life was so incredibly hard for me, but I think the hardest part was learning to accept help. I was terrified of being vulnerable. The only thing I thought I had control over at this point was my eating disorder and I was scared that if I gave that up too, then I would be completely powerless.
Once I accepted help, I realized how POWERFUL I was to decide to go through treatment. Before seeking guidance, I didn’t have the control in my relationship with food. I was controlled by the manipulations in my own mind – and that isn’t the real me.
Recovery was one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through. I remember sitting at the table on Thanksgiving Day at the hospital and wishing that I could just eat a piece of my favorite pie (which is definitely pumpkin to this day) without crying. I also remember days where I felt really proud of myself for not overthinking the basic human need of eating. The process of healing was a roller coaster of ups and downs and plateaus and loops and the drops so steep it makes your stomach flutter. But roller coasters come to a stop and the people get off the ride and they smile and they move on.
This tough time of my life has shaped me into an emotionally aware and powerful young woman and as painful as it was, I can only take away the “good” from the situation. I went through hell and ended up on the other side and here I am: happy, healthy, and wanting to do everything I can to prevent girls from going through what I went through.
This is what inspired me to major in Public Relations. I want to change the way media is presented. I want to show that the “ideal body” is the body that is yours. It is the body that you love and know. The ideal body is the body that you take care of and that you look at with confidence. It is the body that protects your organs and allows you to interact with the world. The ideal body is the body that allows you to live – like REALLY live.
I feel as if I have robbed myself of my adolescence by not being comfortable in my own skin and I want every single girl to know that robbing myself of this is one of my biggest regrets. Now it is time for me to make up for the time that I lost hiding from myself. I want my story to be heard and I want my story to show girls that nothing has worth if you are just simply breathing and going about life – that is not living.
If you feel that you may be suffering from mental illness or an eating disorder of any kind, PLEASE reach out. The helpline for eating disorders is 1-800-931-2237.