Oh, beautiful Ratty. When I think of you, my heart sings. I would get up from my dorm bed, which I haven’t left in ages, just to go see you.
The Ratty is a controversial subject amongst most of the Brown student population. Some people hate it, some people tolerate it, and some people actually like it. Personally, I have a special, undying love and devotion to the Ratty, and I am going to explain that love to you, employing my personal rhetorical flair to convince all freshmen that no significant other will ever treat you as good as the Ratty does.
Let’s start with proximity. Now, while this may not be true for everyone (i.e. to EmWool and Andrews dwellers), it’s true for us Keeney kids. The Ratty is the closest place to get good, free(ish), and unlimited food. When I say unlimited, I literally mean unlimited. You swipe in, sit down, and eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner… ALL ON ONE MEAL SWIPE. More importantly, The Ratty is less than one song away. Whenever I walk over to the Ratty, I put in my headphones when I leave my room. By the time I reach the Ratty, the song is not over. The Ratty is undoubtedly the closest dining hall, and is conveniently open from 7:30AM until 7:30PM, seven days a week. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had a partner so available to me the entire day. The Ratty is way more reliable than any SO could ever be.
Second, the accessible entrance and warm welcomes. Although the line is sometimes long, it moves quickly, so you never have to stand outside in the cold for long. Once inside, you’re immediately greeted by the most famous and beautiful Brown employee: Gail. Her ability to swipe cards is unparalleled. If she is off on her well-deserved break, there are many other people who can swipe you in, and they’re all great. The Ratty has the best staff, obviously, because it is the best dining hall. If you’re ever feeling down, the smiling “swipers” will lift your spirits as they allow you entrance into the magical wonderland that is the Ratty. Personally, I’ve never had a SO I can get into that quick! Get. Your. Mind. Out. Of. The. Gutter. I meant emotionally. Partners put up walls, push you away, and leave you out in the cold (and hungry). The Ratty would never do that to you. I have also never been greeted by my SO the way Gail greets me. It’s usually more like “shhh, I’m playing Fortnite.” You don’t have to tolerate that, girls, the Ratty will never let you down.
Finally, the feature that makes girls swoon, that makes parents cry, that satisfies my hungover stomach after every Whiskey Wednesday, is the food. You and all of your boujee friends can deny it all you want, but the food is good, and if you don’t think so, you can’t sit with us! There is rice EVERY DAY. I rely on this rice more than I do on my teachers to explain Economics. I rely on this rice more than I do on my parents to send me money! Who doesn’t love rice? Last night, they made this sweet, green rice that had must’ve had sugar on it or something. I had two giant servings. It was amazing. They also have great options such as fish, tofu tacos, lasagna, grilled chicken, hamburgers, and quinoa bowls. IF YOU’RE SAYING THE FRIES DON’T TASTE LIKE FRIED HEAVEN, you’re a liar. I’m literally tearing up at the thought of those fries. For all the aspiring fitness models, there’s an unlimited salad bar. As for drinks, 2 words: SODA. BAR. You don’t even want to know how much Sprite I’ve ingested this semester. But wait, there’s more! Every morning before class, when you’re sleepy, pissed off, and the bags under your eyes are so big you’d have to check them at the airport, you can get various roasts of coffee, with all the creamers your heart desires… well, okay, you might have to limit your heart’s desires to five flavors. Oh, and there is a dessert bar. I don’t think that needs any further explanation. Simply put, no one will ever satisfy me the way the Ratty can.
So, you girls better go to the Ratty and appreciate its reliability, company, and food. The Ratty truly is, and will always be, the love of my life.