*Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and in no way reflect the opinions of Brandeis University or Her Campus Brandeis.
Arriving at college in a relationship should be some type of infringement of the Declaration of College Independence. Not only do you feel extremely confined, but you might end up doing something you wouldn’t typically do–something against relationship laws. I’m not about to discuss the blemish of the human race when it comes to loyalty, or the failures of humans to maintain morals once those morals are stressed (by kegs). However, the journey through young adulthood, which normally comes to pass in college, can be confusing, and isn’t all that linear (especially if this journey is on foot down South Street at 2am).
Don’t get me wrong—relationships are great, but only if both parties have self-worth and a sense of identity. For that reason, high-school relationships are usually somewhat dysfunctional, because you’re meant to come-of-age during that 4-year stretch of confusion and peer pressure.
Even partnerless, most people don’t learn their identity by twelfth grade. If you’re seeing someone, the task is especially unworkable; you can’t develop into an individual while in a relationship. That’s supposed to take place in advance, independently.
So, you’re dating someone at the close of summer, and you’re about to head off to college? Clue: EXIT RELATIONSHIP. Seriously, though, let’s think about this impartially… take, for example, this theoretical scenario:
It’s freshman year of college and everything is new…
- You keep getting lost on your way to class, but you don’t give a hoot (GO DEIS), because this is a quest
- You’re a fresh person in a new domain
- You met interesting people at lunch one day last week, and you all have plans to go out together tonight
- A few of them are members of the writing club you joined, something you’re secretly interested in
- There’s a cute guy/girl in your Econ class, you kind of hope you see him/her at a party later
This is your opening to be loose and to really explore yourself. But wait, something feels weird. There’s an odd discomfort around your ankle. Oh yeah, that’s the rusty metal shackle that you’re wearing.
This is what your new scenario looks like:
- Instead of thinking freely about the boy/girl you saw in Econ, you throw the thought away, or you continue to think about it, and have a lot of guilt
- You need to call your boy/girlfriend, spend hours on the phone while your friends are playing pool in the game room
- He/she is upset when you tell him/her that you’re going out tonight because, he/she trusts you, but with the drinking and all, it’s too stressful
- Lying or resentment could come in here
- You need to dodge all photographs and Facebook status tags—anything that indicates you were out having fun
Little fences like this will start to emerge, and will really frustrate you. Your growth and freedom will be stunted again. Suddenly you’ll resent your boy/girlfriend for no reason in particular, merely because you feel trapped by their existence. And I’m sure they will feel the same way.
The speed/intensity of this advancement might not be in line with your situation; maybe you really do want to maintain your commitment to him/her. If you do, you both have to be serious and dedicated to making it work. Hey, your relationship could be special, and I could just be a pessimist with a computer. But, in the event that you can relate to this article, a few common symptoms of “you shouldn’t be in a relationship right now” are:
- Feeling held back/trapped
- Barely thinking of him/her
- Resentment towards him/her
- Cheating
If these symptoms occur, maybe it’s time for you to liberate yourself and let college run its course. None of this makes you a bad person (well, the last bullet-point might) (don’t wait until then).