Ladies, these days, a photo is more than just a keepsake between you and your gal pals. With Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, a photo makes a statement that can reach millions, potentially billions, of eyeballs, maybe even those of that cutie who sits in front of you in Chem lecture. So, you need to decide what kind of statement you want to make. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the phrase, A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words, but, if you listen to my tips, you’re pictures will be worth three thousand.
It all starts with wardrobe choice. A gift is nothing without a carefully planned wrap job, and the same goes for the female body. When planning an outfit, ask yourself, What does this say about me? Is this aesthetically pleasing? Would I want to unwrap me? Now, there still exists much debate, but after decades of research in the field of attraction, experts have developed a method of self-presentation that is sure to bag you your dream person. This method, entitled #HOT, hinges upon one’s ability to exude three attributes, all of equal importance. They are as follows: Happy, Obtuse and Thin
(Now, I could write an entire novel on the logic behind HOT; in fact, several have already done so, but just know that there are sciences in support of HOT. This article concerns itself with the implementation of, rather than the reasoning behind, the method. for further reading, visit http://HOT.gov)
So, back to the issue at hand: clothing. Think long and hard about the textiles in your possession and how these items could be best used to embody HOT. Also, one must keep in mind where this photo will be taken. (Booty shorts at your little brother’s bat mitzvah are #NotHot) For the purposes of this article, we’ll assume the setting is that of a college frat party. So one might be tempted to break out the cocktail dress and heels, that gown won’t be looking very #HOT after it spends the night bathing in sweat and spilt tequila. And while drunkenly clomping down South St in a pair of stilettos might make you look thin and obtuse, you certainly won’t look happy. Remember, for HOT to work successfully, one must fire from all three of its pillars. The appearance of happiness is key.
Might I suggest a crop top and an accompanying skirt or pair of shorts? The breathability of this outfit will ensure a comfortable happiness, and plentiful amount of skin-acreage on display will show off your scant physique. (Remember, thin is an attitude, not a number on a scale.) But what about the O portion of HOT?! If you’re worried that your crop top and booty shorts might be making you look too intelligent, then I have one word for you: #GLITTER. Whether you incorporate it in an article of clothing, makeup choice or by simply dousing yourself in those little bits o’ shine, working glitter into your look is sure to create the semblance of stupidity that will let a man know that you are just the type of gal who won’t make him feel insecure about his IQ of a turnip.
Oh! I almost forgot about footwear! The HOT shoe of choice is a comfy boot, not a freshly tanned pair of riders or a glossy pair of Martens. The ideal boot will look like you fished it fresh out of your local lagoon, Remember, the bigger and uglier the boots, the tinier and #HOTter you will look in comparison.
Now that we’re decked out in a banging outfit, let’s focus on the next element of a photo: posing. Similar to how clothing can be tailored to suit the needs of HOT, physical gesture can be an equally valuable tool of the #HOTlife. Pay close attention because this can get a little tricky.
Keep your feet and legs together, but keep one knee slightly bent so as to accentuate the taper of one’s legs. If you’d like, a tip for the experienced #HOTGal is to stand ever so slightly on your tippy toes, thereby gaining a couple inches of height and shaving several decimal points off your BMI. Additionally, one should keep a hand placed firmly on her waist so as to accentuate any preexisting curvature. You all know about the skinny arm, ladies. It is amazing how a single hand can be the difference between an hourglass figure and a pear shaped overhang. And don’t forget to suck it in as well! Our bones are what define us, so why would you try to hide them?
Now while the bodily portion of posing pertains mostly to the T portion of HOT, facial expression is comprised of the entire trifecta. Don’t forget to smile! Apathy is soooo 2K9, so don’t be afraid to show some teeth. But one must make sure that one’s smile is tinged with an air of ditz. This can be achieved by furrowing one’s brow, closing one’s eyes partway and letting one’s jaw hang sloppily from the base of one’s mouth. This takes years of practice, but the ideal expression should say something to the effect of: Whaa is that a cameraaa? or, Stacyyyyyy NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Now, at a frat party, there will be many photos taken, and nobody wants to be caught in a #NOTHOT position, so I recommend wrapping one’s stomach in duct tape, stuffing one’s boots with tissue, lacing one’s inner lip with Vaseline, keeping an eye or two shut and gluing one’s left hand to the corresponding hip. Some people may call such bodily manipulation a misleading tactic, but I call it modeling. #strikeapose #HOT
Remember Ladies, one does not necessarily have to be HOT; rather, she just needs to embody these traits in a photo. When you upload that party photo, you’re love interest is watching. Make sure it’s a #HOT one.