Needless to say, it’s a tricky little game we play.
It may seem at times that there are no rules. But just because the “norm” of college relationships has expanded to include a wide variety of scenarios, like friends with benefits; and behaviors, like booty-calling; that does not mean that there are not certain rules in place. In many cases these “rules” are designed to keep YOU (yes, you) from emerging from one of these weird college-relationship situations with either physical or emotional damage.
For example, do not get emotionally attached to your FWB.
Use protection. Use back-up protection.
Don’t drunk text anyone with whom you do not have an explicitly defined AND healthy relationship. Friends– okay. Ex-boyfriend– not okay.
I swear, someone should produce a manual on this stuff and hand it out at freshman orientation. For a price.
In a system in which the ultimate goal is rarely if ever a committed, long-term relationship, I would argue that there are not only rules for playing the game… there are also ways to win. I know, I know… it’s definitely a messed-up system if at the end of each round of collegiate banter there is a declared “winner”. BUT! In many of these loosely defined college relationships, a LACK of attachment is considered the ideal. That’s why we play hard to get. That’s why the double-text is a sign of desperation and a total turnoff.
I have found that especially in the beginning stages of college relationships, before deep feelings really get involved (which they almost always do… don’t lie!), one of the two people involved has the upper hand. It is the other person who gets emotionally involved first. It is the other person who seems desperate for emotional and/or physical committment.
If you want to win the game, don’t be that person.
Be the person with the upper hand.
1. ALWAYS wait for your turn. But take your turn.
Do not double-text. Do not trick yourself into thinking that just because he AGREED to hang out with you, he’s into you. It requires more ballsiness for him to ask you out of his own accord… with the risk, however slight, of refusal. If he wants it bad enough, he’ll ask you. Don’t make it too easy. If you’re patient, you’ll be rewarded!
With that in mind, if you are genuinely interested in pursuing the relationship, then you should pay mind to when it is your “turn” to initiate: a coversation, hangout, etc. You want to keep him interested, after all. While it can be thrilling and flattering to be the recipient of a text or invitation, placing the burden entirely on the other person is not advisable because a) he may lose interest completely, b) he may stop initating, period, for fear of seeming desperate, or c) he may continue to bombard you to the point that YOU lose interest and/or perceive his actions as desperate.
2. Don’t be too available. Stay busy.
Whatever you do, do not wait until 5 pm on a Friday to make your evening plans just because you think there is a chance he’ll ask you out. If you have plans, do not cancel them for him. He should want to hang out with you, and not just as an afterthought. Plus, if you keep yourself busy, you won’t “dwell” on your brewing relationship, you won’t overthink the texts you send him, and you will reply to his text messages in an authentic time frame instead of conscientiously waiting 15 minutes to respond. We all do it… but it’s kind of sad.
3. Don’t waste your time.
If his text messages are not interesting, don’t wrack your brain for an intelligent or witty response. Those things should come naturally. He needs to put some more thought into his text messages, obviously. If the only thing he has to say is “nm, u?” — drop the phone. Don’t even respond with a snarky “nm” in return, however tempting. Respond with the first thing that comes to mind. Life’s too short to sit around and think of witty text messages.
4. Keep him guessing.
He does not need to know your entire relationship history OR what you are looking for relationship-wise OR if he is the only man in your life at present the first time you hang out together. Or the second time, for that matter.
5. Keep alcohol out of it.
Alcohol affects your judgment, no matter how smart of a college student you are. Keep him OFF your drunk-texting list, whatever you do. Don’t be drunker drunk person when the two of you hang out together. Yes, alcohol is fun. It also makes you less in control of your faculties, more inclined to make regrettable decisions, and it has even been known to bring out sexual alter-egos.
6. Be flirty. Keep it light (1).
Don’t try to get to “know” one another over texts. Texts are for quick exchanges of information and banter. Keep it light. Don’t ask him deep and meaningful questions about his family history via text message. Ever.
7. MAKE him hang out with you in person.
If two people really want to get to know each other, then you have to have some face time. If this guy is a gentleman (and worth your time), he will think of a way to ask you on a date. You should not have to drop hints on this one. It is a no-brainer. If he’s into you, he’ll ask.
8. Keep it light (2).
Be extremely careful when pursuing physical elements of your relationship. Always be prepared to deal with the worst-case scenario. For example, if you have sex with him and there is a chance he will never call you again, a) be totally okay with that and have sex with him, or b) don’t have sex with him and GTHO. Let your emotions develop naturally and keep a level head.
9. Be genuine.
Don’t pretend to be anything that you’re not when you’re hanging out or talking with this guy. No matter what kind of relationship we’re talking about, he should like you for who you are. If you aren’t struggling with pretense, you’ll be able to interact with him in a much more casual, natural, and stress-free way.