Once upon a time, I used to think of long-distance relationships as nothing more than a waste of time. While l knew LDR’s were always initiated with the highest of hopes and purest of intentions, I ultimately saw them as the one-way ticket to heartbreak and disappointment. I mean, what was the point of investing months into being with somebody when you couldn’t even be with them? All the fun date nights, amazing adventures, and cozy nights in binging Netflix weren’t options for anyone in a LDR. At least, not after the once a month, weekend visit had already come and gone (way too fast.) It was a bound-for-disappointment lifestyle that was not for me. No sir. Thanks. Bye.
And then I met an amazing guy who lived in the apartment just a block away, and we were going to live out our lives happily ever after in Nashville. And then he moved a thousand miles away. And then I fell in love. Oops.
Believe me, I’m just as shocked as you are that the self-proclaimed ultimate skeptic of long-distance relationships is, in fact, in a long-distance relationship. Even more shocking is…well… I’m happy! I’m in an LDR, and it works! I’m not settling, or pretending, or wishing for anything else because I am 100% above satisfied. But why? Why is it that my LDR has survived and thrived months and miles away while those with just weeks and a state line between fade and fall apart? Why? Because we did it RIGHT. We aren’t fictional characters with a grand, irrefutable love from an Austen-era romance novel. We aren’t above all the rough patches and bumpy spots of a long-distance relationship. We are just like everyone else, but we found what we needed to make it work. And you can too if you remember what’s most important.
Talk about your day
Obviously. But you’d be surprised how many people I see overlooking this! You have to keep up the conversation if you want to feel present in each other’s lives. Tell them how your day was, and really tell them. “Fine” doesn’t cut it. Things will start feeling distant the second you become disconnected. If you want to be a part of someone’s life, you have to know what’s going on. And listen! It’ll mean the world to them when you remember that big presentation they have coming up and send them a pep text right before. Or call! Or FaceTime! Because…
You can’t just text
Yes, texting is probably the easiest and most convenient way to stay in touch. Sometimes your schedule gets hectic between class, homework, and extracurriculars. Finding time for a FaceTime session can definitely be hard, but it is an absolute must. Again, sounds like a given, but you wouldn’t believe how many people I see go on and on just texting! You have to be able to see each other, it is the closest thing that will come to actually being with each other. And don’t try to tell me that SnapChat fills the role, because it doesn’t. At all. Video chat changes the whole dynamic, the conversation feels much more real than texting (because it is) and you’re going to feel much more connected. Yes, you might LOL from a funny text, but you’re going to laugh so much harder and so much longer over video. And you’ll be laughing together! At the same time! The connection is there, and you really do feel it. You’re much more likely to make a precious, inside joke when you can see and hear together! Much more likely than when you read a message you received 15 minutes ago where you may not even interpret the context correctly. And if you really, really just can’t make video work for whatever reason, then call. You’d be amazed at how nice it is to hear that voice you might not have realized you missed.
Let them know you think about them even when you aren’t talking
This can be done in so many ways. Whether it’s a surprise package from Amazon or even a nice handwritten letter for all you romantics out there, a little, unexpected gesture from time to time lets them know that, even though you’re super busy, they still mean so much to you. Receiving something from the one you love can turn the worst day around. And best of all, it gives them something to remind them of you. If you can’t be there, having a little trinket can help make it feel like you’re not so far away.
Communicate (This is different from talking)
This is undoubtedly the MOST important thing to remember. Communication about how you’re feeling is imperative. And this goes for any kind of relationship. If something isn’t working, it has to be addressed ASAP. Even if you feel it’s tiny or trivial, please believe me when I say it is not! Lack of communication is, from what I’ve seen, the definitive relationship killer! Again, this goes for any kind of relationship! LDR or right down the road, you have to tell them what you’re thinking and feeling. You cannot, I repeat, YOU CANNOT let anything fester. You aren’t being annoying or needy by talking about how things are affecting you. How you are feeling matters, and just as important, it matters to the person on the other side. They entered this relationship because they want it to work, and they want you to be happy just as much as you do. Never forget that.
It’s not going to be easy
None of it is. Relationships are work, regardless of how far away you are from each other. You’re going to have to learn to balance a relationship you can’t (always) see and feel with everything in life that you can. And it’s hard! And it’s scary! And fear of fear is the one thing that almost kept me from making one of the best decisions of my life. But what I’ve learned (and what you will too) is that just because it’s hard, it doesn’t mean that it can’t make you happy. If that person on the other line makes you happy, then it’s worth it. You always, always, always have to remember that. No matter what. No, you don’t live life like a normal couple. Yes, that can be annoying. But you’re in love, and no one can make you feel the way that one special person can make you feel. And that’s the point.
Best of luck friends. My heart goes out to every LDR couple making it work.