Lately I have become acquainted with heartbreak and while some people may think that this topic should be kept personal that discussed on such a large platform I hope someone will read this and recognize that it’s okay to open up and be vulnerable.
A year ago today I met someone and as cliche as it sounds, the rest was history. We initially started talking and texting daily after meeting on New Year’s Eve. The conversation initially was so full of substance; talking about where we wanna go in the future and who we truly are on a deeper level. From there it got to a certain point where the dynamic shifted from friends to having a feeling of something more. Which leads us to the confession, I remember he was the one who initiated the conversation and he told that he liked me and wanted me to be aware, to which I obviously responded that the feelings were mutual . But I didn’t want this to effect anything right now and that we should focus on what “this was” when I got home. I remember I was planning on coming home for a break and he asked to take me on a date and I thought to myself “What is going to happen if it goes well? Will he even want to seriously date me long distance when I go back to school?” Even through my overactive mind went into hyper-drive I decided why not. The date went perfectly; we talked and I didn’t feel one ounce of awkward energy, he was chivalrous and it all felt pure. My crush obviously grew even bigger and it wasn’t something I could hide anymore. I remember I started feeling the dynamic grow more serious in May when I came back from my first year in college. I met his parents and his family and from there I knew I was ready to be committed to him. His family was so fun and inviting and this was the first time I was in a serious relationship. He asked me later on that day if I would be his girlfriend and give distance a try. I responded with a very excited yes. From that day forward our relationship was full of jokes, road trips, and fun times with friends.
Now this is where the difficulties started making their presence known. After our amazing summer together we had to face the reality of us both having to go back to school, an eight hour time difference. It wasn’t so bad at first; we would talk constantly and everything was still fresh but as the semester progressed we both got busier and things started to lose the “spark.” We both went home for Thanksgiving Break and things felt off. The communication wasn’t how it used to be and we were almost too comfortable with one another. I remember coming back to school trying to write everything off as us being tired and moody from school. It wasn’t until I met up with an old friend from last semester who was also in a LDR and she gave me some good advice. She told me that the only way to expect change is to be 100% honest and lay everything on the line. This meant being open and vulnerable about the state of our relationship. So I texted him asking if I could vent and I told him how I felt things were off and that the initial interest was no longer there. I asked him if I was completely over thinking and I was hoping he would say yes, but he didn’t.
This was where he told me that the distance was overwhelming him and he didn’t like it. He said he still had feelings for me but he just didn’t know what to do. I asked him if he wanted to try and keep making it work, if he stills truly loved me. He said he did but just doesn’t know.
I remember those words echoed in my head “I just don’t know anymore.”
I remember being livid. What is there to not know, it’s a simple yes or no question. But obviously there was more to it then. I remember I didn’t respond because I was emotional and I received a second text, not even a call. He told me how amazing I am but said distance isn’t for him and that we should break up.
My roommate Chrissy was with me and said “Melissa, you are worth more then an ‘I don’t know’”. That has stuck with me, because it made me recognize how much I truly am worth and with the right person they would never have to question that. That’s when I realized the truth: that this relationship was over.
Initially I felt crushed, my heart hurt but I was glad that the relationship ended up on a good note, we both needed to grow separately. I was sad, angry, and almost in denial. It still comes in waves and I just make sure I note what I’m feeling but I try not to dwell for too long. My heart is still hurting but I am now at the point where I am ready to focus on me for a while. I’m surrounding myself with people who make me feel loved and positive. I’m trying to focus on my school work and try new hobbies. I’m making sure I’m taking good care of myself, and planning things for the future that fill me with hope and excitement.
In a way I’m glad for this heartbreak because with every new heartbreak you learn a new lesson about yourself. This love just happened to be my first and taught me that I’m capable of giving and receiving so much love. This is only the first in many painful breakups to come. Heartbreak sucks but it doesn’t have to break you. You have to feel the pain and work through it but you choose to let it destroy you. Use the time post-breakup for self-reflection, self-growth, and make sure you are doing the best you can.
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