You’re at a party in a basement on Foster, standing off to the side sipping some jungle juice. It’s hard to move, and so you decided that standing on the periphery and scoping out the crowd would be a good first move. You didn’t really want to go out tonight, but in order to make your friends shut up, you came anyway. And now you’re counting down the minutes until they get bored and you can leave.
And then he swoops in.
He’s trying to pick you up. You would rather run through fire than listen to this guy try to charm his way into your heart (or pants). But he’s trapped you up against the cold, dusty concrete wall, and there is NO. WAY. OUT.
But don’t worry! I’m here to give you 10 ways to make that guy wish he never came up to talk to you. (Disclaimer: I can’t say that all these have been tested, but if they don’t work, I’ll give you a refund.)
1. Answer all of his questions in a high, squeaky birdcall. Not only will he not understand you (I hope), he will feel extremely uncomfortable and want to leave.
*This will also clear you a path out of that basement. No one wants to be subjected to birdcalls for more than 10 seconds.
2. Tell him that your boyfriend just finished his 17th Ironman. This will scare him off immediately because no guy wants to get beaten up over a flirtatious exchange in a Foster basement.
3. “I’m so sorry… I would love to stay and chat but I need to go feed my 14 cats. You should totally come over though!”
4. Start a conversation with the alien man standing on his shoulder. Points if you do this in another language (see #1).
5. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT answer him. Just stare into his eyes as he keeps trying to get you to answer him.
6. “I’m about blow chunks!”
* This will also clear you a path to freedom.
7. Declare you just got a “family emergency” text and ask him to please move. If he doesn’t respect your “family emergency,” then he’s a worse kind of evil than previously thought.
8. Ask him what his political party is. Whatever he answers, declare you’re a member of the other and say how you never date “the other party.” Example: “You’re a Republican? HAHA! Like, never.”
9. Make many references to how you’re not feeling well because of certain “female issues.” Any mention of a woman’s reproductive system and its functions should make him run faster than a person sprinting toward Late Night.
10. Last but not least, just tell him how completely uninterested you are, and that nothing he ever says will work. EVER.
So there you have it – how to lose a guy in ten ways! Pick one, use a couple simultaneously, mix and match, it’s all up to you! Good luck, and get rid of him!