As wifey season approaches BC with an aggressive tenacity, a collegiette has to wonder, “Why am I still alone?” Fear not, single ladies, you won’t have to cuddle with your Snuggie this winter while all of your roommates start to shack up with their boyfriends. Instead of dancing alone in the corner of a basement party on Foster, you too can stay home with your pseudo-hubby and watch chick flicks under the flicker of battery-operated candles in your dorm room every weekend night from now until St. Patrick’s Day. By following these easy steps, you can finagle your way into a man’s heart and coerce inspire him to date you.
1. Don’t Hook Up
This may seem counterintuitive, but it works. By establishing yourself as a “relationship” girl, and not a “hook-up” girl, guys are more likely to try to date you and less likely to hit it and quit it. Withholding the goods until you’re exclusive increases the likelihood of your flirtationship turning into a real relationship. Drunkenly hooking up with your crush does not a relationship make. If anything, giving it all up right away will turn him off and encourage him to move on to another girl. Make him work for it!
2. Make Yourself Girlfriend Material
In addition to practicing celibacy (or something close to it), certain habits will make you more likely to attract a mate than sloppily traipsing through Lower on a Friday night. By cleaning up your act a little bit, you’ll immediately move up from “hot mess” to “hot commodity.” It may have been cool to have been known as the “body shot queen” freshman year, but let’s be honest, nobody actually wanted to date that girl. What’s the saying? “Always classy, never trashy, and just a little nasty.” Words to live by.
3. Know What You Want
In other words, if you aren’t sure that you can commit to a relationship, don’t pretend that you can. It’s not fair of you to lead a guy on if you aren’t 100% sure of your intentions. If you are sure that you’re ready to be exclusive with him, go for it. Until then, don’t pretend you’re ready for something you aren’t.
4. Be Up Front About What You Want
I love to play hard to get as much as the next girl, but in a circumstance where you want something more substantial than a hook up, it’s always the best bet to be clear about your intentions. You’ll waste time and energy playing mind games that won’t actually get you anywhere. Make it obvious that you’re not down to just hook up; you’ll be surprised at the positive reaction you’ll get.
5. Let Him Come to You
Once you’ve made it clear that you’re in it to win it, back off a little bit. This is the only part of the process where it’s okay to indulge in the chase. Don’t smother the boy you’re interested in, but don’t turn into an ice queen, either. If he’s interested, he’ll come to you.
6. Keep the Crazy to Yourself
Of course, at the core, we’re all crazy. At least for a while, though, don’t let too much of it out in front of a boy. This includes, but is not limited to: obsessive texting, stalking/memorizing his schedule, assaulting him every time he communicates with another girl, staring at him until he catches your eye in the library, professing your love for him, etc. Nobody wants to date a psychopath.
I know that as the semester drags on it becomes more and more tempting to skip out on personal hygiene and trudge around campus in a messy bun and dilapidated UGG boots. Personal hygiene is an aspect of existence that should never be neglected. It won’t kill you to jump in the shower, but it may just kill some innocent passerby who gets a whiff of your toxic body odor as you plod by them on your way to class. You’d be amazed what you can accomplish if you shampoo your hair. Amongst other things (reduced likelihood of being followed by raccoons, increased likelihood of someone sitting next to you in lecture), boys will be more likely to take the plunge and make a commitment to you as their significant other.
8. Don’t be Awkward
If you want anything in life, the number one rule is “don’t be awkward.” Awkward moments are relationship killers. You literally have one chance at this; any awkwardness will immediately nullify any chance you ever had of turning your man candy into a boyfriend. For those of you have never been awkward in front of a boy (ha), here are some examples:
- Letting food fall out of your mouth while talking to a boy
- Snorting while laughing to the point that snot flies out of your nose
- Getting caught Facebook stalking him in the library as he walks behind you
- Saying goodbye to a boy only to realize you are both, in fact, headed in the same direction
- Answering his questions completely inappropriate responses (Him: “How’s your day been?” You: “I like your sweatshirt”)
9. Don’t Let the Thought of Him Consume Your Life
The more you obsess over getting a boyfriend, the less likely you are to ever get one. The saying “things come when you least expect it” is actually true. Don’t waste your time daydreaming about dates to the North End when you have real life issues to attend to. Boyfriend or not, you still have to write your history papers and study for chemistry.
10. Be Yourself
Aww, the cheesy, conveniently vague last step. Scoff if you want, but I’m actually serious about this one. If a guy can’t accept you as you are, then forget him. He’s not worth the heartbreak.
Happy man hunting, ladies! May the odds be ever in your favor.