A list of things we’ve all learned the hard way.
1. It is a scientific fact that if he is picking you up at a greasy club, he probably has genital Herpes.*
Do you remember Kiss N’ Fly? A Mecca for 50 year old men buying mojitos for 16 year old girls from Newark; that 34 year age gap allows for a lotttt of herpes accumulation time.
2. You are not that memorable.
The fact that you and your five closest friends have stalked him on Facebook does not mean that the time you literally ran into each other in the bar bathroom at 3am is engrained in his memory.
3. If he’s willing to sleep with you when you’re so wasted that you won’t remember it tomorrow, question his standards, because this is what you looked like:
Image via reddit.com
4. No one is “booked through the end of the month.”
I suppose it’s possible, but honestly the more likely explanation is that you kiss like a lizard, and now he’s scared.
5. Sex in public is a bad idea.
We all have that friend who always has these crazy, sexy stories and you’re like “I want to be her.” But you don’t. Because when you have sex in Morningside Park, you don’t get a great story out of it, you get poison ivy and also, arrested.
6. Let them call you a slut.
Girls do it because they’re jealous that people want to sleep with you, and the only guys who are doing it are the ones who haven’t slept with you and want to.
7. If you’ve drunk-texted him twice with no response, delete his number.
This is not a punishment, it’s protection against further humiliation.
8. He does not mean one thing that he says immediately before, during, or after sex.
Period.
9. The proper way to ascertain if someone has an STD is not as follows:
Him: Do you want me to put a condom on?
Her: I mean, do you have AIDS?
Him: No.
Her: K then no worries!
10. Keep your fucking mouth shut
Astounded that people don’t already know this, but if you don’t want anyone to know something, don’t tell anyone.
*I don’t have genital Herpes.