If you’re like me, you’re always looking for a new show to help you relieve the stress of avoiding your Statistics homework. And nothing assists in escaping reality like entering that of some of our country’s most absurd individuals. Selfless pioneer that I am, I’ve tested out some of the most ridiculous sex-based reality TV shows out there today to help you decide where your next binge-watch lies.
1. Dating Naked
The Premise: Two individuals, a man and a woman, cut through that pesky “wonder what (s)he looks like naked” question and meet each other, for the first time, naked. After circling one another like rabid dogs examining their prey, they commence on a naked-friendly date such as spearfishing, kayaking, and ziplining. Then, they each go on two more equally as unhygienic dates and choose which individual they’d like to continue to see naked.
Highlights: Season 1, Episode 3, when Mr. Naked decides he’s not so fond of tattooed, foul-mouthed Miss Naked #3, and then someone forgets to pull the brake on their tandem naked ziplining ride, and she ends up in the hospital. Mr. Naked “feels bad that she got hurt, but is happy the date ended.” What a lovely, lukewarm sentiment.
Low Points: If you’re expecting to see a lot of hot people running around naked, you may be disappointed. You probably look better naked than most of these contestants, which is not so surprising when you stop to consider the quality of a person who would agree to participate in a show called DATING NAKED.
2. Sex Box
The Premise: Couples who have shitty sex go on a show to be examined like zoo animals by sexologists and third-rate therapists. Then they have sex in a box while the “therapists” (read: judges) rattle on a commentary while timing the couple. The couple emerges, to thunderous applause from the judges.
Highlights: When the couple emerges from the sex box in a matching set of silky pajamas looking like Mr. and Mrs. Hefner meets amateur boxing champs of Jersey City.
Low Points: It’s awkwarddddd when the couple rates the sex that occurs in-box and the dude, without fail, rates a full letter grade above his picky mistress.
image via decider.com
3. Dating in the Dark
The Premise: Three men and three women stay in a house, separated by sex. They go on one-on-one dates only in a dark room where they cannot see each other’s unsightly cellulite (or incredible abs, or pockmarked faces). They get to know each other on a deeper level, eschewing the shallow priorities of our culture. That is, until they are revealed to one another, and the hot contestant breaks the ugly contestant’s poor, inferior heart.
Highlights: When you, the viewer, know that a supermodel is f*cking a really nice, smart, funny, 3-on-a-good-day guy in the dark room. It feels like justice for us high school losers.
Low Points: It really is depressing when the supermodel runs for her life after seeing the 3-on-a-good-day.
image via ew.com