New Year’s Resolutions are a sham. I make them every year because I don’t want to miss out, but my resolutions from the past two years have been “See 2009 resolutions, but actually do them” and “See 2010 resolutions”, respectively. Clearly I’m not making much progress, and I know I’m not alone. Maybe we’ll all have better luck with New School Year Resolutions. (Disclaimer: I have not personally accomplished all of these resolutions, but I think they’re admirable goals.) Below are 10 suggestions to make this school year better than the last one when you threw up on every floor of that frat house and passed out on their couch.
1. Procrastinate less. This has been first on my New Year’s Resolutions lists since 6th grade when I realized I had a problem. I haven’t improved. So, I offer this resolution to you, dear reader. Next time you have a research paper due on March 23, rather than starting it on March 22 at 11pm, try starting it on (or before) March 20! That way, you’ll have at least three whole days before you actually start writing to do research (maybe even in a book! but let’s not get too crazy), and to complain about how unfair your life is because you have sooo much work.
2. Take fewer embarrassing pictures.If you know you make dumb faces when you’re drunk make a point to hide when cameras come out, or play a fun game called “how many ways can I cover my face with my hair?” Aim for at least one picture per semester that you could potentially send to your grandparents.
3. If you have a boyfriend, don’t disappear or talk constantly about how much you guys love each other. Everyone will hate you.
4. If you’re single, don’t wallow in self-pity and moan about the boyfriend you wish you had every time you go out. Everyone will also hate you.
5. Try something new.Obsessed with J.Crew? Start buying exclusively from surf brands like Billabong. Are you a hipster? Never mind, you’re halfway through a HerCampus article by a sorority girl, so probably not. Finally live out your dream of becoming a reality TV star or hardcore rap artist. Trying something new is a great way to say “hey, last year I was that girl making out with a frat boy and dumping my .02%-alcohol peach margarita on everyone in a 3-foot radius at the Heights, but this year I’m into the Brooklyn scene. Check out these Instagrams from Ra Ra Riot last night.”
6. Get straight As. It’s a really good comeback for when your parents play the when-are-you-going-to-stop-being-a-black-hole-of-sarcasm-and-get-a-soul? card…I hear that happens to a lot of people. For this resolution, it helps to master Resolution 1, or to have an intimate relationship with the Starbucks baristas and a penchant for the 4am Butler crowd. It also helps to cultivate close relationships with your professors (good news, this is super easy to do at Barnard!). If you get to know your professors, he or she will be more willing to help you out when you shoot an email two days before your paper is due asking for topic ideas.
7. Stop puking in public.I mean really you should attempt to stop puking at all, but let’s stay realistic here. We’ve all been there (well…some of us have), however, there are some things that you need to make a brave effort to grow out of. Next time your friend asks you, “hey, are you down to take another tequila shot?”, instead of responding with “DUH! Who do you think I am?”, try responding with “Well Dana, we’ve already taken 8 in the past 2 hours. Maybe we should take a break”. Ok, so you decided to take that tequila shot, but if you feel the sudden urge to re-examine your dinner (probably a stale bagel from Hewitt), then head for the bathroom! Do not think to yourself, “OMG, but Nicki just came on! I gotta get up on the bar and do my thang” (on second thought, if it’s Nicki, I might understand).
8. Stop making out in public. This is more common than #7, but slightly more sanitary…depending on the person. Once again, if you are a freshman, watch out! You are especially susceptible to this common mistake (although less so this year because Campo no longer exists). Don’t worry, first semester is kind of a free pass, but make sure you’re cool with free publicity http://blipdar.com/. Most people have been/will be guilty of the public make-out at some point, but that won’t stop them from judging you. The only saving grace of this mistake is that everyone will forget about it as soon as someone new decides that “Bed Rock” should be taken literally…in public. The public make-out is also the perfect segue-way into Resolution 9…
9. No more strides-of-pride in costume.Walk-of-shame is a terrible phrase. You are a strong, beautiful Barnard (or Columbia) woman (or man) and you decided to exercise your sexual prerogative last night. Good for you! I’d rather have you take it to the bedroom than slobber all over me at Cannons, but before you go home with this person, ask yourself these very important questions: 1) “Could this Mr. Potato Head costume pass for a normal daytime outfit?” 2) “Is this guy’s room close enough that my friend will bring me clothes tomorrow morning?” If the answer to one or both of these questions is yes, then follow your bliss!
10. Try to be a good person.Being a female can be rough, and we don’t always make it easier for each other (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VF06kEKGUk). Next time someone’s calling you out for something you royally messed up, next time you puke in the bathroom of the family you babysit for while their 8 year old son watches TV, next time you start a research paper 5 hours before it’s due, take comfort in the fact that when your friend comes to you crying you will probably not tell her she can’t sit with you but instead spend 3 hours in Ollie’s telling her how pretty she is. Do nice things for your friends, call your mom, and hold back that sarcastic comment next time someone asks a dumb question (well…it depends on the question–we’re only human). Mastering Resolution 10 will make you feel much better about failing miserably with Resolutions 1-9.