The Signs as Serial Killers
Disclaimer: In no way is this article written to make fun of or make light of the acts committed by the following people in this article.
The true crime genre seems to have skyrocketed in population with shows like Mindhunter and podcasts such as My Favorite Murder, and our generation has been at the forefront of pushing it into popularity – I guess that’s what you get when you’re raised on a mix of 24/7 coverage of the Laci Peterson case and The Andy Griffith Show (Just me?). With finals around the corner for us at Augustana College, dread lingers in the air along with the ever-present snowfall; what better way to lighten the mood than with what everyone is truly searching for. I teamed up with one of Augustana’s most involved astrologists, Megan McGivern, to find the signs as well known serial killers.
Aeries – John Wayne Gacy “Childish; Impulsive” Who else would be the clown at your dad’s friend’s 10-year birthday party?
Taurus – Aileen Wuornos “Stubborn; Trustworthy” I as well would not confess to murder until the day I die.
Gemini – The Zodiac Killer “Private; Hilarious & Witty” Honestly, they’re just here to pull an elaborate prank on Mark Ruffalo.
Cancer – Edmund Kemper “Temperamental; Opinionated; Kind; Near Psychic Ability to Know What’s Going On” Goals in life: be so in tune with others that you confess and the police don’t believe you.
Leo – H.H. Holmes “Center of Attention; Giving; Determined” They have to be better than everyone at everything, even at creating a murder hotel.
Virgo – Jeffrey Dahmer “Selfish; Self-Reserved; Doesn’t Share Emotion; Shy But Once Comfortable They’re Fun” Most likely to be coerced into sneaking into every yearbook picture as a joke.
Libra – Dennis Rader aka BTK “Neutrally Selfish & Fair; Wants The Truth; Intelligent” Tends to like consistency in their lives.
Scorpio – Ted Bundy “Temperamental; Can Be Set Off Easily; Sexually Charged” All Scorpios can be played in a movie by Zac Efron.
Sagittarius – Albert Fish “Very Nice; Level Headed; Adventurous Spirit; Love Trying New Things” Keywords: “loves trying new things”
Capricorn – David Berkowitz aka Son of Sam “Selfish; Compulsive; Doesn’t Understand Consequences” Probably listens to their dog more than other people.
Aquarius – Ed Gein “Fun Loving; Risk Takers” Probably has some really good Pinterest boards (probably some on “private”)
Pisces – Richard Ramirez “Old Souls; Wise; Emotional” “Serial killers do, on a small scale, what governments do on a large one.”