Throughout my life, I have noticed a trend that is really sad and unhealthy. I have been guilty of this myself as well: girls throwing other girls under the bus. Every day, girls put down and shame other girls for numerous reasons, and something needs to change.
The first and most well-known instance of this is slut shaming. Girls are so quick to be hypocritical about sleeping around or casual hookups. If their friend tells them about their sexual escapades or wears a revealing outfit, they are usually congratulated. However, when it is someone outside of the friend group or a girl who could “get in their way” with a guy, it turns very sinister. Just because someone isn’t your friend, doesn’t mean they are “trashy” or “easy” for what they wear, who they have sex with, how they have sex, or the amount of sex they have. Talk like this between girls is so damaging because it hinders our ability to make our own decisions for our bodies, and restricts what we think is socially acceptable. As long as someone is safe and healthy in their decisions, we have no right to judge.
Another common experience is girls putting other girls down because a romantic interest hurt them. If a girl gets cheated on by her boyfriend, for example, they immediately blame the other girl, throwing insults at her to make themselves feel better. If someone you’re exclusive with is flirting with another girl who is unaware of your relationship, it is irrational to blame her. I have seen this happen too many times and had many friends do this. They start to pick apart the other girl who didn’t even know the situation, when it was clearly their significant other who was the problem. Why is it that we find an easier time judging and making assumptions about the other girl, and not the real problem?
Mainly, the reasons behind these actions are our own emotions and insecurities. Girls will put down or insult other girls to make a friend feel better or to make themselves feel better. I have been guilty of this myself, where a friend shows me some girl’s Instagram that they don’t like or who has gotten in their way with a potential boyfriend. Instead of trying to empathize with my friend, it is so much easier to start tearing down the other girl to make them “feel better”. Similarly, backhanded compliments are very common, as well as compliments that are comparing them to other girls. Saying “you’re way prettier/skinnier/etc.” than her might feel good to them in the moment, but it is reinforcing our tendency to compare ourselves to others and judge ourselves against that, which is unhealthy and in the long run, not at all constructive. There are better, healthier ways to deal with these situations and give compliments.
Next time you’re feeling insecure or wanting to make a friend feel better, try to think of something else that is more positive. Instead of insta-stalking his ex and bashing her, list positive qualities you have. I know how temporarily good it can feel to put down other girls, but it is so unhealthy and unproductive. Whenever you think back to a friend comforting you, you don’t remember their insults to the insignificant “other girl” who you don’t even know, you remember the uplifting things they said that made you more confident in yourself. The world is already hard enough for women, we don’t need to be our own enemies.