About eight months ago I received a “gift.” My mom walked into my room with what looked like a typical white picture frame, but mounted inside was no picture, but rather a tea bag that read, “Love your soul.”
The tag was yet another tangible item left behind by my brother who passed away eleven months ago. One of his roommates had handcrafted the white frame and placed the tea bag tag inside…obviously finding some meaning in the words himself. He gifted it to my mom, thinking that I possibly would find comfort in it, and in a sense, he was right.
My first thought, what kind of tea did Jake even buy…inspirational quotes…. he never mentioned any tea like that. There was something unusual. He would have based his tea selection more off an article he read in VICE or by the most aesthetically pleasing box on the shelf. But I cherished the simple gift anyway, repeating the words over and over again in my head. I couldn’t help but think they specifically held some meaning for me. I mean there has to be a reason that was his last tea bag right? Was it a message he was leaving behind for me, some last guiding words?
Eight months later and the framed tag is still sitting in my room. As the one year anniversary of my brother’s death is quickly approaching, I couldn’t help but come to terms with the words, wondering if they have held some truth in my life, and how I can learn from them.
Our society places a lot of meaning on the superficial: the clothing on our back, the car we drive, the color of our hair, or the size of our jeans. “Love your body” is a more popular phrase than “Love your soul.” But if we think about it, it should be the other way around. If we think about it, if you don’t love your soul can you truly love any other part of yourself?
From my understanding, our “soul” refers to the essence or embodiment of our being. My soul therefore is me, but also more than me. It goes beyond the physical; it goes beyond the reality seen. My soul, your soul, includes your darkest secrets, your deepest thoughts. It includes the self-hate, the judgments, the fear, and the aspirations that no one knows about. It is why you love what you love, why you act the way you do, and why you think the way you think. Your soul is your spiritual existence and depending on your beliefs, is said to be able to survive past your physical self.
Therefore, ”Love your soul” can be related to the simplistic statement often heard as love yourself. It requires compassion, but more importantly mindfulness of the good and bad within oneself.
Grief has a way of forcing you to come to terms with more than your loss. You question your existence, you are forced to accept impermanence, and you question the purpose of life itself. I mean what’s the point if we are all going to die anyway, right? I often ask that question in my darkest moments. When I can’t get out of bed, its because those thoughts continue. My demons taunt me: “You aren’t pretty enough. You aren’t outgoing enough. You aren’t smart enough. You aren’t good enough. Your brother is dead. Just give up. What’s the point?”
So here I am, one year later, becoming mindful of my insecurities. I have started the journey, starting with the superficial. I’ve learned to love my body, to love the things I used to hate looking in the mirror. But even after becoming more confident and happier with my physical self, I am left with my soul, with the thoughts that creep up when I do something wrong or embarrassing, when I let someone I barely know control how I feel, or when I judge people so harshly in order to protect myself. I’ve learned that I must be willing to listen to those thoughts. To welcome them compassionately, but to not let them stay for too long. Those thoughts are a part of me. They control how I act, how I think, and how I choose to live. They remind me of how I am not as strong as I may think. But they exist, they are a part of my soul.
I think we must all learn to love ourselves before we can truly live. How can we make a difference in the world, or give people advice if we do not follow those ideas ourselves? I challenge all of you to become more mindful of your actions and most importantly begin an intimate relationship with your thoughts. Let them in. Converse with them, and then let them leave as swiftly as they came. Because if we really think about it, thoughts are not reality, often they have no basis, no truth. Thoughts are an illusion, “they are, as we say, just thinking.”
We do not have control of how other people think of us, of how they act around us, or how they choose to treat themselves. However, we have the power to influence others. We have the power, by learning to love our souls, to inspire others to do the same.