Two months ago, I had the best breakup ever. You heard me right. No harsh words. Lots of tears, but tears because we didn’t want to let each other go. I cried because I felt like I was losing my best friend. I cried because I saw him in the delivery room with me ten years down the road, holding my hand, babying me and letting me whine as much as I wanted about the pain. Tears because I found someone who never raised his voice to me, told me each and every day how beautiful I was, and said he was sorry even when I was the one who was wrong. I had found someone who I could call at three in the morning crying and who would stay on the phone with me until I fell asleep. Someone who liked bad Chinese and mob movies just as much as I do. Someone who opened car doors for me, and even painted my nails for me a couple times (now that’s true love). I found chemistry with him. Electricity like I’ve never felt with another soul on earth. I loved his smell, his skinny legs, his acne scars, his hairy feet, and his style. He was someone who begged me not to straighten my crazy thick curly frizzy hair. Someone who respected women. Someone who never said an ill word about my family even when they questioned his character. Someone who liked big thighs. Someone who held my hand in uncomfortable situations and made sure I was at ease around his friends and family. Someone who never pressured me. Someone who cleaned my room when I left for class. Someone who let me play call of duty on his account and ruin his record. Someone who liked to cuddle. Someone who loved children. Someone who let me be a little irrational. Someone who cut the onions so my eyes didn’t water. Someone I couldn’t stay mad at. Someone who pursued me from the beginning. Someone who let me pick my nose…hahaha. Someone who set boundaries with his friends that were girls. Someone who kissed my forehead, cheeks, and hands. Someone who was my complete opposite but complimented me perfectly. Someone who shared my religious and political beliefs. Someone who didn’t judge other people for theirs. Someone who loved me at my worst. Even though I cried, I smiled through the tears thinking about all the memories.
So why aren’t we together? I’ve asked myself that, and while there are a handful of reasons, it mainly came down to the fact that this someone was someone I started dating over four years ago. Someone that I sometimes felt I met too early in life. I know some people can meet someone so early and know that they are the one and settle down, but those people are not me. This is someone that I called twice a week, crying, because I felt like I didn’t have any friends in college. I used him as an emotional crutch. We depended on each other too much for happiness. Both of us had so much respect for each other we never made friends of the opposite sex like we should have in college. We were long distance, and we wasted so much time texting, calling, and planning our lives around when we would get to see each other again. We felt pressure from our families to settle down and have babies when we both had so much more we wanted to do with our lives. I am a junior and he graduates in December and we felt like we were spending money on each other that should have been saved for after graduation. And we were struggling to see each other and balance all of our schoolwork and jobs at the same time. I wanted to spend my last year of school living life to the fullest and learning more about myself.
Since we broke up, I’m so much more self-sufficient. I comfort myself and keep my tears to myself. I find myself calling my mom, sister, and girlfriends a whole lot more. I also feel happier in my day to day life. Now, I am finding more joy in my schoolwork and my job instead of only looking forward to the weekends I get to see him. I feel like I’m finally having girl’s nights, planning for my career, and growing as a person.
We promised each other when we broke up that we wouldn’t be the typical couple that gets mad when they change their relationship status on Facebook, or never contact each other ever again. So today, we decided to see each other for the first time in two months. It was amazing. It reminded me of what an incredible human being he is and how lucky I am to have ever met him, much less spend four years calling him mine. The maturity I saw from him today is something I don’t take for granted. We feel like we need to be happy on our own to be happy together one day. He wants me to see what else is out there so I can know if he’s truly the one or not since I’ve only really dated him. He is fine with me seeing other people and I feel the same way. We just want each other to be happy, even if it’s apart.
Do I worry that he will move on? On one hand I dread the day I see a picture of him with another girl but at the same time, all I desire for him is happiness. I have the confidence that what we shared was real but if either of us meet someone else who is a game changer, then it wasn’t meant to be. If we never get back together we will hopefully still appreciate the things we learned from one another and will cherish the four years we spent navigating our first love.