I remember sitting across my younger cousin in a Chinese food restaurant, leaning forward with a smile and asking her how her egg roll was.
“Good,” she replied with a small smile of her own as she gently nudged the uneaten egg roll to the edge of the plate.
“Want some of my rice?”
“No, thanks.”
Our smiles remained, warm and loving like always. But, our gaze was all wrong. We couldn’t see through to one another. We were staring at each other through a dirty window.
I found out that my cousin was suffering from disordered eating about a year and a half ago. At fourteen, my cousin is tall, clear-skinned, leggy and absolutely beautiful. At fourteen, I couldn’t say half as much for myself. Not only is she a sweetheart and a great friend, she’s also a Girl Scout, ballet dancer and an excellent student. But, at age fourteen, we’re exposed to some of the worst things.
I remember being fourteen and desperately pinching my thighs in the dressing room and telling my mother I hated everything she picked out. I hated friends who told me they were on a diet, but secretly wanted one too. I poured over magazines like Seventeen and Teen Vogue and got extremely angry when some of those magazines declared they’d “represent all body types” and went on representing the same exact body type: the desired one. The one you begin to think that you’re supposed to be. The one that health teachers and parents tell you is simply one body type and it’s perfectly fine to be another. But, you don’t believe them. You don’t want to.
Coupled with things out of our control, the nuances of life—in my family’s case, the death of grandparents in a short span on time—our society has created the perfect atmosphere for teenage girls and boys to struggle with what they deem to be imperfections. My cousin turned to disordered eating for reasons I may never understand, but I can attest to the world we live in. I can attest to being fourteen.
Admittedly, I felt a lot of anger when I first found out. How could my beautiful cousin do that? As this Christmas neared and her condition grew worse. I returned from my first semester of college to find out that my cousin had to move from the out-patient program she was in to an in-patient program. I could feel my own frustration grow. Didn’t she want to see us for Christmas? Why won’t she get better for Christmas?
It took a lot of digging and educating myself to understand eating disorders as a whole. They’re not a choice. My cousin did not choose this. She became lost in it for reasons beyond her control—and yet, the condition makes you believe you’re in control. You can control your food intake, your exercise, your weight. But, that’s not really it. It’s the disorder controlling you. And that’s the scary part.
I read Laurie Halse Anderson’s book Wintergirls recently to better understand and cried as Lia struggled with her own disorder. The book gave me an intimate look into the minds of those who struggle with eating disorders and helped me understand my cousin a bit more. It made all those frustration and anger dissolve a bit. I felt myself thaw and become better prepared to support my cousin.
We’re pen pals now from the in-patient program she’s in now and although I’m not sure when she will be better, I know that she can get out of it. National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is this February from the 22nd to the 28th. Spend that week educating yourself on eating disorders and supporting those around you who may be struggling. Not sure how to support a loved one in need? Here are some tips:
1. Educate yourself.
Google disordered eating. Read Wintergirls. You can never understand why until you understand what it is. If they’re going through treatment, make sure you understand what they may be experiencing there as well.
2. Do not define the person by their disorder.
Remember that although they may be struggling, your loved one is still the amazing person they always have been. Even with her disorder, my cousin is an accomplished Girl Scout, working towards a huge project, and I couldn’t be more proud.
3.Focus on your relationship and feelings for that person.
Do not merely focus on their weight and food intake. Remember why you love them and how you feel about them. Make sure to remind them of that.
4. Do not blame them or deny it.
It may be easy to say to yourself, no, that’s not the person I know. When I first found out, I was confused. That wasn’t the cousin I know. However, denying it or even blaming the person can have extremely detrimental effects.
5. Help them get help/Get help yourself.
I know that my entire extended family has been wonderful in helping my cousin get the help she needs. Even if you know that your loved one is in treatment, do not be afraid to seek out help yourself. It’s absolutely okay to talk to someone about how you’re feeling too.
I will continue to be there for my cousin and I look forward to the days when I get her beautifully written letters on light blue stationary. But, even more so, I look forward to the day she overcomes her disorder. Because I know she can do it. If you’d like to know about Eating Disorder Awareness Week, check out NEDAwareness.org.