After going it alone for the past few months, you may be second-guessing your breakup with your boyfriend before summer began. Obviously, something wasn’t working, and that’s why you broke up. But before going back for Round 2 (or maybe it’s 3 or 4), you may want to ask yourself, why do you want to get back together?
Broken relationships require a lot of work to fix, and in the long run, you may find that too much damage has been done. The allure of an ex is the familiarity and predictability he has to offer, but that’s not a good enough reason to reconcile if he wasn’t good for you and you weren’t happy in the relationship.
Natalie Lue, founder and blogger of “Baggage Reclaim,” a dating and relationship blog, along with tips from Ellie Scarborough and Amy Lynch of Pink Kisses, will help you to figure out if you should move on from your ex.
So stop taping those torn pictures of the two of you back together, and read the eight reasons you should not be getting back together with your ex-boyfriend (because we know how tempting it is).
Reason #1: You’re lonely.
You may miss him terribly, but what do you miss? If all you want is a boyfriend, the ex will have a certain appeal. But don’t love him just because you’re lonely – you need to make sure you miss himand not the idea of having a boyfriend.
“Lonely choices often end up being desperate choices, plus living in the past and missing him is lonely in itself,” Lue says. “Before going back, make sure you’ve made a genuine effort to fill up your life, grieve the loss of the relationship, and move on.”
Reason #2: You like to break up and make up.
Ah, yes – the on-again, off-again relationship. The drama of it all can be anything from exhilarating to exhausting.If your relationship has been a series of breakups and make-ups, you better enjoy life as a human yo-yo because that’s where this is heading. The uncertainty involved in the on-again, off-again relationship is only exciting for so long.
“Don’t get things twisted and believe you keep getting back together because you can’t resist each other,” Lue says. “Relationships that keep breaking are unable to progress or have balance and consistency, which makes them unhealthy relationships where true intimacy and commitment cannot happen, and that makes you both emotionally unavailable.”
[pagebreak]
Reason #3: You had such good times together … or so you think.
Hindsight is 20/20 … unless it’s clouded by nostalgia. Once the relationship is over, your selective memory card will kick in and remind you of all those good times you had together (and only the good times). Give it time. Let yourself detach from him, and then take an honest look at the history of your relationship. Does the good outweigh the bad?
“Before you get back together, it’s important that you’re being 100 percent honest and seeing [your memories] in their entirety,” Lue suggests. “It’s not the good times that broke your relationship in the first place!”
Reason #4: You’re scared to try something new.
You can try going back to the old and familiar rather than testing the waters with someone new, but if you have irresolvable conflicts with your ex, you’re bound to break up again. Can you handle another breakup with the same guy? Learn from your past dating mistakes and apply your new knowledge to a new guy.
“Going back to an old relationship out of fear of change actually dooms it anyway,” Lue says. “If you’re afraid to change outside of it, you’re certainly not going to be willing to do the work involved in truly addressing the issues that broke your relationship in the first place.”
Reason #5: You want what you can’t have.
He’s seeing someone new. You know this because you stalked his Facebook profile and found a few pictures of him with a girl, and she floods his wall with messages. You didn’t want him back until you saw this, and now you’re thinking about sending him a text … just to see how he’s doing, of course.
“Feeling jealous isn’t a sign of your love for him,” Lue warns. “It’s control, and once you have it, you won’t want him anymore. He’s not your property, and we don’t like when men do the same thing to us.”
[pagebreak]
Reason #6: He wants what he can’t have.
Emotionally, you’ve mostly moved on. And maybe you’ve even found someone new. But then there’s him – the ex. He can’t stand to see you happy with someone else. He hasn’t moved on. Don’t mistake his jealousy as a sign that he still cares about you. He could be feeling hurt, and he’s just jealous that you’re not feeling the same way. It’s tough to see an ex move on when you haven’t, and it’s tough to see an ex miss you when you’re gone.
“If it’s over for you, it means it’s over for him,” Lue says. “His frustration and behavior is about trying to control the uncontrollable and feeling out of control of his own life, but these are not reasons to get back together.”
[pagebreak]
Reason #7: He wants you back … when he’s drunk.
You didn’t hear from him all summer. Well, if you don’t count those drunken late-night texts and phone calls, that is. If he only wants you when he’s drunk (and horny), how badly do you want him back?
“Your ex texting and calling you when he’s drunk is not flattering. It’s disrespectful,” Lue says. “Stop responding because, ultimately, you need someone that can step up and be around when they’re sober.”
Reason #8: You have a tendency to go back to old boyfriends when you’re bored.
Confession time: this is totally me, or at least this was me until I broke my bad habit. Believe me when I say that exes shouldn’t be used as fallback options. Put your time and energy into a more productive hobby and leave the old boyfriends where they belong – in the past.
“It’s not up to exes to fill up your time and your voids,” Lue says. “Get a full rounded life where you’re fulfilled by a number of sources instead of trying to get [an ex] to fill your space.”
Don’t second-guess your breakup anymore. Listen to the experts and move forward with this advice on forming healthy relationships. Because, according to Pink Kisses, “moving on is the best revenge.”
Sources
Natalie Lue, founder of “Baggage Reclaim”, a blog to help empower people to have healthier relationships
baggagereclaim.com
Ellie Scarborough and Amy Lynch of Pink Kisses, a website dedicated to breakup recovery