My summer boyfriend and I broke up in August because we decided not to do long distance, and it took us a while to start talking again. Mid-semester, I started getting messages from him about random things, like the fact he was going to Jerry Springer and comments on how he missed me. We would talk, but I didn’t really seek it out.
But come Thanksgiving break, he asked to see me again and ended up taking me out to dinner and refusing to let me pay, and during winter break he did the same thing. He has too good of manners to just ask to hook up, but we did hook up after the most recent date. He also asked to see me again later in the week. I’m not sure if I want a relationship, but I can’t tell if this is him wanting to hook up again or if he is looking to casually date or if he just wants a way to pass time at home. – Confused and Conflicted at Conn Coll
Confused,
It sounds to me like he wants to start dating again, but he isn’t sure how to deal with the distance. I think it’s safe to say that he misses being with you.
Breaking up can obviously put a strain on a platonic relationship. You go from dating someone to barely talking, and things get weird. “Do I talk to him?” you might ask yourself. Meanwhile, he’s wondering how he’s going to move on. Someone eventually gets the desire to check up on an ex, either through Facebook stalking or actual conversation. This can happen for a multitude of reasons: sometimes we’re genuinely interested in how our ex is doing, sometimes we want to see if she’s moved on (or moved up to something better) and sometimes we just miss that level of contact.
Whatever the reason may be, having post-breakup conversations can be either very limiting (especially if they takes the form of an argument) or extremely eye-opening. After taking some time to take care of yourself and find out what you’re really looking for (if anything), it can be cathartic to talk things out with an ex.
Why? It gives you a chance to find out what exactly went wrong. In your case, it was distance. The two of you decided not to do distance, and that’s fine––but what happens when one of you realizes that distance doesn’t matter? What happens when one of you decides to power through the distance because you actually want to be with the other person?
This is what I think is going on with your ex. I think he’s coming to terms with the fact that, even with the distance, he still likes you and wants to continue your relationship. To me, I think he’s feeling things out to see if he’s going to get shot down. I can’t say I blame him; no guy wants to hit that wall of rejection.
You said it yourself: he’s too nice of a guy to flat out ask for a hook-up, so I believe he’s testing the waters by watching your reactions. The thing is, by hooking up with him you’re kind of leading him on…especially if you’re still not sure if you want a relationship.
Where do you go from here? Talk to him. Not on Facebook, and not over text. Next time you see him in person, I think you need to sit him down and find out what the next steps should be––but I think you should do that only if you take some time to figure out what you want for yourself. I’m not saying that what he wants isn’t important, but you can’t jump back into a relationship just because he misses you. That’s not fair to him, and it isn’t fair to you.