We need to talk.
Last Thursday was a rare day in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The sky was blue. The birds were chirping. I went a whole twelve hours without hearing the words “Steelers,” “Penguins,” or “City of Champions.” It really was a beautiful thing.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t enjoy much of it because I was on my way to class, already anxiously counting down the minutes until I could rip my shirt off and see how much UV damage I could inflict on my supple torso.
When I got to lecture I took my usual seat and gazed longingly out the window. Everyone outside looked like they were having so much fun. I decided to pass the time before class started by looking at the guys throwing Frisbee outside and playing a few rounds of my favorite springtime game —Attractive, or Just Shirtless?— but something out of the corner of my eye grabbed my attention.
It was you, walking into the room. Of course I didn’t realize that at first, because I couldn’t take my eyes off of the tremendous amount of cleavage popping out of your shirt and the small amount of cleavage popping out the back of your tiny, tiny skirt.
Why yes, you looked positively stripper-tastic that day, and I think the professor took notice. Unless there was some other reason he never moved his binder from his lap.
Let me just say that, while I applaud your toned physique and respect your right to show it off, there are some occasions where it seems a little odd to sex yourself up. Here are some situations where scant clothing may and may not be your best bet.
Yes: A hot club
When going out for a night on the town, it’s completely appropriate to wear some revealing attire and flaunt what your mama (and independent assortment of alleles) gave you. And in our busy lives, we get so few occasions to feel sexy anyway. Plus, let’s not forget what looking like a hot young thing in a club can get you:
1. Free drinks from handsome strangers
2. VIP entry from the bouncer
3. Friendly offers for a ride home
At least that’s what I assume. Clubs in Pittsburgh don’t really have bouncers. Or handsome strangers for that matter.
No: A dingy bar
When stopping by a dirty bar for a few drinks, it’s really unnecessary to wear anything revealing to make yourself stand out. You already look damn fine next to the heavyset townie in the corner and the vomit accents of the bar’s decor. Plus, let’s not forget what looking like a hot young thing in a bar can get you:
1. Sexual harassment from unattractive strangers
2. Gaping stares from the dirty bartender
3. Fear of being followed on the way back home
At least that’s what I assume. Being a mere twenty years old, I’ve obviously never been to a bar before.
Yes: Halloween
On a day when you’re given the freedom to wear any piece of heinous fashion and justify it as a “costume,” why not take the opportunity to spice things up a bit? After all, this is your chance to pull any and every cheap trick to get attention from the boys and write it off as holiday spirit. Wear your favorite piece of lingerie and some animal ears and call yourself a mouse, or go in a pumpkin costume with holes in strategic places.
Frankly, I’m right there with you on this one. Like this past year, when I decided to go as Super Mario after he’d quit plumbing and decided to try his hand at the escort industry. Or freshman year, when I dressed up as Charmander—after he’d evolved into a stripper.
What ever happened to my orange mesh shirt, anyway?
No: Easter
It’s so tempting, isn’t it? The fresh spring air, the raucous egg hunts, the warm afternoon sun overhead as you sit at the family picnic, your father dressed up as a gigantic bunny as he dances and laughs with your young cousins.
Okay, I’m really pulling stuff out of my ass at this point. I have no idea what gentiles do for the holidays.
But regardless of whatever Tanner family traditions you take part in, watch out that you don’t let the spirit of the season bleed too much into your style choices. Sure, it may be refreshing to have nice weather for one of the first times in months, but trotting around in barely there jean cutoffs and a tube top might be a little too scandalous for the resurrection of the messiah.
Yes: When you’re with your ex-boyfriend
As friendly as you like to think your breakup was, there’s always some animosity between you and your ex. It’s that competition to see whose life is better without the other, that race to get the first post-breakup date, to be the happiest, to look the best.
And when you roll up to a party in your sexiest outfit, flawless makeup, no hair out of place, and you catch your ex eyeing your body from across the room…
Well that, my friend, is how you know you’re winning.
No: When you’re with your boyfriend
Getting sexy isn’t easy.
There’s the shaving and depilatory process, the 20 to 40 minutes of hair styling, the 10-minute struggle to squeeze into a tight outfit. Honestly, I find it to be a lot of work every time, and I don’t even have to worry about makeup like you do.
At least most of the time.
The point is, you can’t put in a solid hour or so of gussying yourself up every time you see your man. Not only will you lose valuable time that you could have spent browsing Her Campus, but with the consistent use of foundation, blush, and push-up brassieres, he might lose a sense of what it is you really look like. And that will just make it all the more shocking when he pops by for a surprise visit on laundry day.
Yes , much like Girl Scout cookies, the sexy you is a treat that shouldn’t be enjoyed all year round. Save it for special occasions so it can be appreciated all the more.
Although if you ask me, sexy comes in a variety of packages. I really don’t have any fun picturing a guy naked if his Speedo-clad body has done most of the work for me.