Girl Code: What's Ok & What's Not According to Collegiettes

Okay, well, this just happened. I broke up with my ex when I got really depressed, but I still liked him. I thought breaking up with him would make everything better. After the breakup I was in denial and when people asked me why I broke up with him, I would say bad things about him so I could cover up that I was depressed. Because if my mom found out, I'd probably be put in therapy or something. I'd liked him for over a year, and thought I'd more than likely get over it. The last few days my best friend has been flirting with him because when she asked if she could try to date him, I was perfectly okay with it. When he rejected being her boyfriend, she got really sad. But she continued to flirt with him in hopes he would change his mind later on. He was really rude to her because he was in a bad mood, so I talked to him. Eventually we all talked together and had a whole lot of fun. So then I called him, and we chatted for three hours straight. What I didn't expect was that I'd still have feelings for him. Those grew over those three hours, and I told him I liked him. He said he liked me back. But then I said I wasn't going to date him in case it would hurt my best friend, that we'd have to wait to date if we even liked each other after she would've been okay with it. Later the next day I messaged my friend on Facebook, that, "____, I feel really guilty.", and she asked me why- really concerned-like, too. I told her that I still had feelings for him and that I must have been in denial after the breakup, and then she got really mad at me. She asked me why I told her NOW, and I told her it was because I couldn't keep it from her, and that I thought if I would've kept it from her it may hurt her later on that I hadn't told her. Now she's really mad at me. I mean, we were like sisters- really, really close. So we still have small chats over Facebook. But I do'nt know what's going to happen now. She's my best friend and I couldn't go on without her. I know what I did is really bad but I just don't tend to think before I speak... If you could- any advise? The posts here hasn't really helped.

Interesting to hear this from a female point of view -- seeing as how I'm a guy and have to live by "guy code."

Years ago in college, I had two female friends who were pretty unashamed about the fact that they had both dated extensively in a circle that included several guy friends and a former roommate of mine. And one of them even went so far as to say that the two of them had once sat down, had a drink or two too many, and began comparing notes on relative performances, etc. At the end, the two concluded that I was the one guy in the group neither one had to complete her "collection," and they became competitive about who'd get me first. Both struck me as reasonably attractive up until that point, but after I got wind of their little competition, I really wanted to put some serious distance between me and both of them. Thanks but no thanks, ladies. I have no desire to be dissected over drinks with other lab specimens that include friends and roommates.

At the same time, however, I've maintained long standing friendships with my own exes. In one case, it was initially awkward for the reason that the next guy my ex dated ended up being the much younger man she eventually married. And he tended to make a lot of the mistakes with women that I probably made when I was his age. In the end, he and I also became buddies, and when a whole lot of the ice finally melted between him and me and he figured out I was okay, he broke down and asked me a few questions -- and I think I gave him a few good answers -- about which buttons not to push on his new wife. I particularly recall one Valentine's Day he royally screwed up -- and how I gave him a few pointers on how to undo the damage. Not long after that, his wife (my ex) pulled me aside and said, "Your handiwork was all over that. Did you coach him?" I did my best to pretend ignorance, but she insisted, "He's the right man for me, and I wouldn't trade him for anybody in the world. But any time you want to help knock a rough edge or two off him, be my guest. I won't say a word to let on about it." I'm pleased to report he knows his wife very well these days, they're very happily married, and at this point, my role of "coach" has diminished to non-existence.

The flip side of having good relations with an ex-, however, is that I do feel some obligation to inform her when I've taken up with somebody new. To me, when I do that, effectively I'm asking her to stand aside somewhat in my affections or go one place lower at the table. If the new girlfriend "gets" this concept, odds are, we'll be together for a while. She'll know it's not because I'm "hung up on my ex," but it's really a statement about respect for women in general and specifically for a woman to whom I'm probably still close -- just as a friend -- even though all of the romantic elements of the prior relationship are removed from it. When it's over romantically, it's over -- and a "booty call with your ex" is never a good idea. Again, another "respect" concept.

The end result is that my ex from two relationships (and about six years) ago became the biggest fan of the woman who is my most recent ex. And as I start to date somebody new, it matters tremendously that I not burst the bubble of the two-back ex who always thought, "You and the woman who came after me always looked like the most perfect couple." To that I can really only say, "We were for a time. And now, we're still the very best of friends. And I hope you can say as much about the woman I'm currently dating -- and regard her as a wonderful friend of yours as well."