Ever wanted to get inside a girl’s mind? Want to know whether all girls are crazy, or if you just don’t quite understand them (hint: it’s the 2nd one…)? Luckily, Real Live College Girl Cassidy is here to answer all your questions about women and relationships, with poise, charisma, and a little bit of humor. And don’t worry, she won’t judge you on your questions… unless you seem cute. Girls—pass this onto your guy friends and boyfriends, stat!
I’ve been hooking up with this girl and she claims she is fine just hooking up and doesn’t want a relationship, but do girls ever actually feel this way, or is she just saying that to make me happy since she knows I don’t want a relationship?
– Hooking up at Hanover
First of all, I’d just like to apologize for the fact that, yes, us girls do lie about that a lot… But it’s just because we like you! If we have the chance to hook up with a boy we like, and we know he doesn’t want a relationship, we’ll take “just hooking up” over not hooking up with him at all. I liken it to girls’ feelings about long-distance relationships (from my experience, at least) – If we really like you, given a choice between a long-distance relationship and no relationship at all, we’ll take long-distance.
At least our kisses don’t lie!
That said, it’s still not a good idea for us to lie about it, because that can always lead to things getting messy in the long run…
“I’ve definitely told a boy I’m fine with ‘just hooking up’ when I want a relationship. I didn’t want to lose him altogether and if ‘just hooking up’ was all he wanted then I had to deal with his commitment issues and go with the flow. Probably wasn’t the best idea–it’s never good to be more invested in a relationship than your guy. It should be equal! That situation ended SUPER badly. He would sometimes call me his girlfriend, sometimes not. He would Skype me every night but when I asked for any reassurance or explanation he couldn’t give me one. So I told him that I couldn’t talk to him anymore if I was just providing him entertainment. I haven’t talked to him in 2 months!” –Anonymous
However, there really are some girls out there in the world who are fine “just hooking up,” I promise!
To make it super simple, there are two kinds of girls in the world: the relationship type – a.k.a. the Serial Monogamist – and the hookup type – a.k.a. the Serial Hookup-er. A girl can be both, at different points in her life, depending on a number of things. But the point is, the Serial Hookup-er does exist.
Here’s how one Serial Hookup-er described “just hooking up”:
“It’s definitely possible. You just have to make sure you both feel the same way about it. If one person feels stronger about the other it won’t work, but if you both decide that what you have going on is convenient and that you’re indifferent about each other it definitely can work. I’ve been hooking up with the same person since September, but nothing more than that. It’s so much easier – no dates, no obligatory texting, no phone calls, no ‘I miss you’s’ over breaks, no meeting of parents. This definitely isn’t for everyone but if you find someone to make it work with, it’s fantastic.” –Anonymous
But that doesn’t necessarily mean the girl in your specific situation is one of those girls. Here are some things to consider when trying to figure out if the girl you’re with is fine just hooking up, or really does want a relationship:
- Her past – is she always in a relationship, or has she had other “just hooking up” flings? If she has hookup flings often, she is probably being honest with you, and is fine just hooking up.
- Her really recent past – did she just get out of a long-term/serious relationship? If so, she’s probably in a rebound phase, and may just want to hookup, without the commitments that she just got away from.
- Her contact with you – does she call/text you a lot, wanting to go out on dates, saying she misses you, or anything girlfriend-y like that? If so, she might be looking for a relationship.
- The time in her life – is she about to graduate college? About to move to a new city? Or is it freshman year, and she’ll be in the same place as you for the foreseeable future? If it’s her Senior Spring, she’s probably not looking for anything serious, but if it doesn’t look like either of you are going anywhere any time soon, she might be thinking the same about your relationship!
If you get a text like this… she probably wants a relationship.
If you consider all of those signs, you can determine whether you’re dealing with a Serial Hookup-er or a Serial Monogamist. And if she turns out to be the latter, don’t hate her for lying to you – remember: it’s just because she likes you!
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I’m scared of offending the girl I’m hooking up with by using dirty talk or making sex a little rougher (nothing crazy), but I really like those things. Are girls freaked out by that kind of stuff, and how can I tell if she would be? I really like her and like having sex with her but I want to spice it up but don’t want her to think I’m a freak.
– Freaky at Florida State
Dear Freaky, unfortunately, talking dirty and making sex rougher depend on the girl and your relationship with her. One of the main things to keep in mind is that if you’re in a committed relationship, where both people feel comfortable with each other, then trying new things – like dirty talk or rougher sex – is usually welcome from the girl’s perspective. However, if it is a more casual, random hookup, it might be a better idea to stick with what’s safe. So because I am only one girl, and can’t speak for all of womankind, I decided to consult as many other collegiettes™ as I could, on your behalf, to find out their thoughts on the subject. Lucky for you, most girls seemed to be on the same-ish page about these things!
“When [the dirty talk] was with a boy I felt comfortable with and trusted, it didn’t bother me. However when it happened with a boy I was in a newer relationship with, it freaked me out a little. With the first guy it seemed more just like we were trying something new and experimenting but with the second, I didn’t feel good about myself after and had trouble looking him in the eye.” –Anonymous
“There is no foolproof way to know if a girl will be into dirty talk or not, but if it is a random hookup then I would suggest not to talk dirty. If two people have been hooking up for a while then they probably know what is acceptable to do or not. If a girl seems into it, say something simple that isn’t too out there and see what her reaction is and then go from there!” –Anonymous
“I would wait to get a sense of the girl and what she likes before talking too dirty. If you are in a relationship or have been hooking up for a few weeks, it is safe to try talking dirty. You will come to see which phrases work for her and what is too much. You can also ask her for her preference…communication is key!” –Anonymous
With dirty talk, it also really depends on what you say to the girl. To be safe, I’d stay away from saying anything derogatory (e.g., calling her a bitch, whore, etc.), and stick with saying complimentary dirty things (e.g., telling her she’s sexy, how much you want her, what you like, etc.). If you keep it positive, the hookup will stay exciting and not get too out of hand. And start off mild, and get more extreme as you go, depending on the girl’s response. Also, talking dirty does sometimes throw girls off at first, so if you get a confused look or a little laugh from the girl, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not into it – she might just not be used to it! So just wait and see if she reciprocates any of the dirty talk, and if she does, you’re free to continue yours!
“Start off small. Don’t lay it on her with something really graphic… a few ‘you’re so sexy’s, ‘I want you so bad,’ etc. If she’s into that you can start stuff that includes the word f**k…as in the verb… At this point, she’s either going to start talking back, or she’ll start backing off… Once you both start talking dirty you can feel things out from there as to how dirty you can get.” –Anonymous
Other ideas from readers were to judge her body language, or to try dirty text messaging first and see how she responds (the anonymous reader said if she does it via text, she’ll do it in bed!).
With rougher sex, most girls do like it, as long as it isn’t too rough. Some girls I consulted even said they get frustrated when their hookups are too gentle, and they wish boys understood that girls like to be thrown around a little bit! As long as you aren’t too rough with them – a.k.a. don’t actually hurt them – then most girls will enjoy you making sex a little bit rougher. And usually, if you are being too rough, a girl will tell you – either by saying “ow!” or telling you flat out, “don’t do that so hard,” or something like that. So go ahead, try making it a little rougher, just don’t be too rough… and you should be ok!
“Guys think all girls want to do is make love. Okay, that’s great once in a while, but a lot of time girls just want to be thrown on the bed. This all goes back to sexism with regards to ‘doing it.’ Women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex, only guys… [Guys] have either been told directly or indirectly that girls should be demure or whatever in bed/life. Girls like rough, bend you over the kitchen table sex just as much as guys.” –Anonymous
For both of these things – talking dirty and making sex rougher – you can always talk to the girl beforehand to see if she’d be into it or not. I know this sounds like an awkward conversation to have, but it’ll make sure there’s no awkwardness when you try both of these things the first time! Just start off the conversation by saying something like, “So I’ve been wanting to try [talking dirty to you/making sex a little bit rougher], but I just wanted to know if you would like that, or if it would freak you out.” Try having this conversation when you’re cuddling in bed together after sex, because you feel very close at that point, and it can be easier to have this kind of discussion when you’re already in that setting, so you don’t have to bring it up out of the blue! No girl likes boring sex, so she will appreciate you trying to spice things up a little bit, and taking her thoughts and feelings into consideration!
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