Have you ever said something to someone you’re totally crushing on and immediately regretted it when you saw their reaction? Or maybe you didn’t even realize you said something wrong, but are freaking out and worried that you did since they haven’t texted you in two weeks? You’ve probably watched enough rom-coms to know some of the obvious things that are better left unsaid (for example, How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days taught us not to name the below-the-belt-region “Princess Sophia”), but what about the more subtle things you may be saying that you don’t even realize are turn-offs? Her Campus is here to make sure you don’t make those mistakes again. We talked to experts and college guys to find out what you should avoid saying to the person you’re crushing on.
when you accidentally like that 137 weeks ago photo your crush posted pic.twitter.com/KLk5hL7Bh8
— ً (@etherealkdrama) August 4, 2017
1. “Oh yeah, I saw that on Facebook…”
Let’s be honest, we’re all guilty of Facebook stalking—but revealing that you’ve clicked through enough of your crush’s pictures to know that he vacationed in Costa Rica with his family three years ago might scare him away.
“A girl once liked a picture of me from a few years ago, way back in my photos, and even though part of me was kind of flattered, I was also a little freaked out that she was lurking [on] my Facebook that hard,” says Matt, a senior at the University of Michigan.
So keep your Facebook or Instagram activity on the down low. If they bring up something you’ve seen a picture of on social media, don’t mention that you already know about it; instead, ask them to tell you more. That will keep the conversation flowing… without freaking them out with the thought of you creeping on their profile.
2. “Your ex…”
“It is a very bad idea to bring up exes when talking to a guy you like,” says Mike, a senior at the University of Michigan. “If you bring up his ex, it makes you look jealous and nosy.”
Bashing their ex makes you come off as catty and insecure. You may think you’re doing them a favor by justifying their break-up, but putting their ex down will make you seem nasty.
Also, your crush probably doesn’t want to be reminded of their ex. Why take the attention away from yourself and put the spotlight on someone they used to be with?
3. “My ex…”
When you’re talking to a new love interest, let’s just keep all exes—yours and theirs—out of the picture. “Don’t ever bring up your past relationships unless he specifically asks,” Mike says. “If his or your ex does come up, move past this subject quickly, because it will probably have a negative effect on your conversation.”
Bringing up your ex can signal that you’re still attached, which will discourage your crush from pursuing you because they may think you’re not ready to move on or that you’ll always be comparing them to your ex.
And while we’re on the subject of not bringing up your past relationships, you may want to avoid your past hook-ups, too. “Guys don’t want to know about guys you were with,” Mike says. “Thinking about your hook-up history will bother him and make him want to talk less.”
While there’s no need to pretend you’re a virgin if you aren’t, your crush likely doesn’t want to hear about how many times you’ve been around the block either.
4. “I really want to be in a relationship. I’m so sick of being single!”
Relationship expert, author, and psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers says that you should “never tell your crush that you don’t want to be single anymore.” Why? “This sends the message that you want to be with someone, but not necessarily him,” he explains. In other words, your crush may not get the hint that you’re interested in them specifically, and they’ll think that you’re just fishing for a relationship instead.
Additionally, your crush may not be in a place where they want to get serious with anyone, so you could turn them off if you immediately bring it to the relationship-or-nothing level. “I was talking to a girl at a bar once and she kept talking about how all her friends had boyfriends and how she wanted one too,” says Scott, a senior at UC Davis. “I had pretty much just met her, so she came off as the type that would be clingy right away even if we just made out or something.”
Instead of bringing up your interest in being in a relationship, try to focus on conveying your interest in them. Rather than take a passive approach, Meyers advises telling your crush that you like a lot of the qualities they have.
5. “Did you get my last text?”
The double (or triple… or quadruple…) text is a definite don’t. If your crush doesn’t respond, don’t keep texting them back. Constant texting can come off as needy or just bothersome.
“I had hooked up with this girl two or three times, and then she started texting me non-stop,” says Justin, a recent graduate of the University of Michigan. “I don’t mind texting, but she was constantly texting me without any real purpose, so it got annoying quickly. If I hadn’t responded to her in an hour, she would text a question mark or something passive aggressive like ‘k, I guess not’… it was too much for me.”
Waiting for a text back can be painful—we’ve all been there. Have your friends help hold you back from overdoing it, though, so you don’t scare your crush away. If your iMessage thread is a constant stream of blue on the right side with no responses from your crush in between, that’s when you know you might need to take it down a notch.
6. Nothing.
There are plenty of things that aren’t ideal to say to your crush, but saying nothing is even worse! This is especially true if you’re telling other people about your interest in them.
“Don’t let him find out that he is your crush from someone else,” says Mike. “If you end up telling him how you feel, that’s one thing, but if he finds out from someone else it may just make things more awkward and push him farther away.”
Make sure that your crush hears your feelings from you. You might not want to throw your feelings out there right away, of course, but hinting at your interest can make them realize that there is potential between you two. Talking to them, no matter what it’s about, is the only way that you will get any closer, so don’t let the fear of saying something wrong keep you from saying anything at all!
All people are different—they aren’t all going to react to the above statements in the same way. But when it comes to dealing with a new love (or lust) interest, it’s better to play it safe while you are still getting to know each other so that they don’t have any reason to doubt that you’re not the cool, awesome person that you are. Save the crazy for later.