In a world of comedic relief, some of the best side-splitting tales are stories about other people’s misfortunes. It’s a guilty pleasure: knowing you shouldn’t be laughing because you would hate for anything that bad to ever happen to you, but then laughing because it’s just funny. And since it’s not happening to you, you tend to take some pleasure out of your good fortune for not being in their situation. Countless shows and websites like Punk’d, America’s Funniest Home Videos, and failblog.org have turned other people’s bad luck, or just sheer stupidity, into entertainment for the masses.
Like MTV’s Disaster Date, where revenge-seeking friends set up an unsuspecting single buddy on a truly heinous blind date, some hilarious stories involve dates gone horribly wrong. At a time in life when dating should be all about having fun, not to mention the great joy us girls get from getting dolled up and being treated to free food and entertainment, “disaster dates” seem so much worse…but still funny, of course. Here, some girls dish on their worst dates ever.
If your blind date looks like this guy, you may just want to keep walking.
L.J. Ankarlo – Colorado State University ‘10
“I was on my first date. It began as a stereotypical first date: he picked me up, we were both terribly nervous, and we went out to dinner. During dinner I tried to act natural and not outwardly show how nervous I actually was.
One of the biggest decisions people make on dates is: What should I have to eat? Now, us girls, we have it pretty difficult. We have to decide what is dainty enough (because it’s a first impression) but we also have to decide what wouldn’t frighten the guy (such as, ‘oh, I’ll just have a small side salad’).
So I’m looking at the menu pondering the decision and he tells the waiter he’s ready, and proceeds to order. I had no idea what I was going to have, so instead of asking the waiter to come back in a couple minutes, I just randomly picked an item. I chose Orange Beef. It sounded a little sketchy but, hey, I like the Orange Chicken from Panda Express, so what could go wrong?
The next indicator that my first date might be going downhill was when they only brought us chopsticks as silverware. As my food came, I realized that was going to be a problem. My Orange Beef consisted of three slabs of beef drenched in a thick, sticky, red sauce, and some vegetables covered in the same sauce. I got up the courage and asked the waiter for some silverware, but all he brought back was a fork. So I’m trying to pick up my slippery beef slabs with chopsticks, and then trying to cut those same slippery beef slabs with the side of my very dull fork. Needless to say, it wasn’t working very well.
To make matters worse, there was a distinct lack of conversation occurring during this date. I would try to begin a conversation or ask a question, and I would get a short response, then a regression back to utter silence.
As I am attempting to eat my meal, I am getting hungrier and hungrier because there really is no food going from my plate to my mouth because I was not about to lift the entire piece of beef to my mouth and rip a big bite out of it. So I abandoned the beef and decided to try the vegetables. There were green bell peppers, carrots, and beans or peas, I couldn’t really tell (they were drenched in the sauce). I picked up one of the pea/bean things and put it in my mouth. I bit down and was kind of surprised because it was crunchy. I thought to myself, ‘Huh, that’s weird. That doesn’t seem like a bean or a pea.’ I stopped. I realized what I had just eaten was a chipotle chili pepper.
So here I am, in mid-chew, wondering, ‘what in the world do I do now!?’ Well, me being on my first date, still trying to make a good impression, I am not going to spit it out … so I kept chewing it. Now this wasn’t just a small pepper, it was the biggest one on my plate. Unsurprisingly, I couldn’t just swallow it whole. Once I finally ground it up enough, I swallowed it and dove, I mean, slowly reached, for my water. My mouth felt as if it were literally, literally on fire. It was somewhat smothered when I had a piece of ice or a sip of water in my mouth, but it kept evaporating faster than I could get another sip.
The next thing I knew, I couldn’t breathe. That may sound like an over-exaggeration, but I promise, I was thinking to myself, ‘How terrible would it be if I made this guy take me to the hospital because I was suffocating from the stupid oils from the stupid pepper.’ So I tried my best to stay calm, and try and breathe, if even a little bit. Slowly I began to catch my breath. However, as all this is happening, I’m trying to keep water in my mouth so I don’t scream from the pain, and my eyes are watering, and my nose is running. I probably looked terrible, but I actually felt very lucky because the guy wasn’t paying any attention to me or trying to fill the long lapse in conversation either. During those seconds when I truly thought I might die, it seemed like an entire hour went by. It took me a while even after that to say something because I had tried to talk and absolutely nothing came out. When I finally found my voice, I said, ‘Whoa! I think I just ate a chili pepper.’ And he just nodded and smiled and continued eating.”
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Autumn Triesch – Colorado School of Mines ‘12
“It was the summer before I went to college. One of my co-workers asked me to hang out. I had just broken up with my boyfriend so I felt like it would be a fun change. We decided to have a picnic dinner at the park and he was going to teach me how to long board. He picked me up from my house and went to the Taco Bell drive through. We decided to stop by Target to pick up some candy before proceeding to the park for our picnic. After leaving the Taco Bell, we noticed a cop pull behind us. It really didn’t bother us because we were not doing anything wrong. We turn at the Target and the cop follows us into the parking lot. At this point, I was joking with him that he was a wanted man and they were finally coming to get him. He just laughed at me and kept driving. Well my joke turned more realistic when the cop turned his lights on behind us as we parked. The officer came up to the driver window and asked for his license and registration. It turns out that he didn’t have his headlights turned on, just his parking lights. The officer goes back to his car and takes forever. At this point, I am asking this guy I barely knew if he really was wanted for anything. Thirty minutes later, the officer comes back to the car and asks him to step out of his Subaru and begins speaking to me and asks for my license. I am about to cry at this point. I was telling him how it was the first time I had ever hung out with this guy. He replied that his license is expired and I will have to drive his car away from the Target. I felt terrible and he was so embarrassed. We didn’t go on our picnic because I got so hungry waiting for the cop, I ate my Taco Bell. I got in the driver’s seat and drove myself home. He asked me out again and it just became a huge joke between us.”
Christine Klein – Colorado State University ‘12
“One time I met my date at Taco Bell and he stepped on sauce and was surprised that it didn’t break. So throughout our time eating, he kept on squeezing the hot sauce. I told him to stop because I thought it would end up everywhere. He laughed and continued. He squeezed so hard that it went everywhere into my hair and my eyes. After he sprayed hot sauce into my eye he laughed. I ran straight to the bathroom not able to see and washed my eyes out for like five minutes. It was the worst experience ever and the pain was awful. I seriously do not know why I ended up dating him afterwards.”
Nicole Wray – Colorado State University ‘11
“My date and I had a class together and he asked if he could take me out, and I said yes. He picked me up from my house and we went to a sushi place. Just after we ordered our drinks he excused himself and said he’d be right back. He came back smelling like a combo of cigarettes and cologne. Then it happened 3 more times, so I called him out and he admitted he was smoking and that he was ‘trying’ to quit…yeah, right. He tried kissing me once he dropped me off, I kissed him, but it was nasty. We never went out again.”
Courtney Ethridge, 19
“(My boyfriend) had been out of town and we hadn’t seen each other for a couple weeks. He called me as soon as he got home…he told me that he was so excited to see me, and wanted to get together right away. He called it a ‘date.’ We met 15 minutes later at a park. He got out of his truck and I noticed that he looked as if he had been crying. He walked me over to a bench and told me to sit down. I sat, and he went back to his truck and came back to me with my favorite drink from Starbucks. He started pacing, walking in circles and talking to himself. He told me to give him a minute. So I’m sitting there thinking, ‘What the hell is his problem?’ He finally pulls some note cards out of a pocket, gives me a long kiss, and then starts reading them. ‘These are the reasons I’m breaking up with you…Number one: to focus on football…’ and so on. He can barely read them as he’s crying so much. I was really outraged. Why would he tell me he’s excited to see me and wants to take me out on a date only to break up with me!? And the note cards…really? After a year and a half, you’d think he could just tell me straight up what’s going on. My Starbucks drink landed all over his brand new truck.”
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Save Your Disaster Date!
So you’re sitting there, possibly on a first date, maybe out with your boyfriend, and the date is just bad. If the guy is someone you already care about and usually get along with, chances are one of you just isn’t in the best mood, and after attempting to salvage it, but failing, you should just call it an early night and reschedule for later.
For dates with a new guy, however, dating expert David Coleman, “The Dating Doctor,” shares some tips with Her Campus for how to deal with a date gone wrong:
- First and even second dates should be planned for one hour – maybe two – AT THE MOST. If it is going well, the time will fly by. If it has turned into Datezilla, you know that you only have to survive two hours.
- If things have turned south, suggest going to do something that will provide entertainment value: A playground, bowling, hitting some yard sales, feed ducks at a lake or pond…suggest something active that will provide fodder and alleviate the awkward silent periods.
If you’re trying to revive a night out with a new boy, how do you know when it’s just a lost cause? HC asked The Dating Doctor when a girl should know that a date isn’t worth fixing.
Dating Doctor: Before you said yes to going on it! You should have said yes to ALL FOUR of the ABC’s of initial interest:
- Attraction…was there any?
- Believability…did he seem sincere when you first met him?
- Chemistry….did some attraction exist other than physical? (Did he put a smile on your face? Make you laugh? Was he charming? Could he finish a sentence?)
- Desire…did you feel a “tug” to learn more about him?
He shares his own worst date with Her Campus: “I got fixed up on a blind date. We went to an amusement park and went on a roller coaster together. The ride broke and we were suspended, upside down, far above the ground for over an hour, in total fear. She puked all over me. Yup and now I’m The Dating Doctor.”
Some cringe-worthy dates are just not worth sticking out.
This girl should get ready to have a fake emergency.