Need polite, concise, pop culture-laden answers to your guy problemas? Our Real Live College Guy Joey (not to be confused with our other Real Live College Guy, Joe) will answer any and all questions about relationships and that ever-elusive beast, the male species, with thoughtfulness and (fingers-crossed) humor.
1. I started hooking up with this guy about a month ago and things have been good so far. It's casual, but that's good for both of us and we're having fun. However, I feel like I'm always the one pushing for us to hang out and I'm not really accustomed to being the proactive one in the relationship and I'm starting to think that maybe he's not so into it and I'm not sure how to handle it. Should I just back off and wait for him to contact me or should I just keep doing what I've been doing?
-BU Basket Case
Listen BU, you explain that this is a casual type of thing … Therefore it is hardly the arena in which to unleash this game-of-sorts you're starting to think about. If it's really as casual as you say it is, then what is the harm with your being the proactive one? There shouldn't be any definitive emotions keeping you from seeing that as harmless. If, however, you're beginning to become attached—which is what I suspect—then you need to have a conversation with this particular man-beast. Explain that you're starting to yearn for something with more substance. If he's down for that, then you'll have your answer almost immediately. If, however, you really do want to keep it casual, then don't worry about who's being proactive as long as you're both getting your rocks off. If you must put the ball in his court, make it clear that if he wants to hit the sheets with you, he has to let you know when he's free as you're not satisfied to do the constant chasing. Don't resort to games when it's far easier just to speak your mind.
2. In the last year I have reconnected with an ex from high school... we don't go to the same school, but I see him over breaks and we talk a lot during the school year. I am confused because I am assuming that with the amount of attention he is giving me, he is interested, yet he hasn't tried to make it more serious....? Help!
-Confused at Colorado
Besides for the simple task of asking him, you would do well to recall any and all reasons for your first break-up before opening up dialogue for another go-around. Why didn't the relationship work in the first place? A lot of times it's easy to jump back with someone that you're comfortable with solely because of said comfort. However, if you think you have worked past any of your previous issues, suggest he visit you and reconnect. Extenuating circumstances notwithstanding (e.g., distance, history, etc.) there's no reason for you two not to give it another go. I'm confused by the wording of your question, as it's unclear whether you want a relationship or just a step in the direction of one; regardless of which it is, you merely have to broach the subject to garner his interest in a visit. A simple, "I'd love for you to visit sometime, it was nice getting to reconnect with you over break" should suffice. If his attention is truly based on his having feelings for you again, he should jump at the chance to start things anew with you.
3. I met a guy on a short trip, we hooked up, but there was something more than that and I know he knows it too. We decided to stay in touch, but how can I go about visiting him or having him visit me?
-Connection at Columbia
Listen, CC, I'm physically holding my hands down to keep from typing what I really think about this question. I'm even holding off on any Kanye-esque capslock-ing. There is really only one answer to this question … Ask him! Be it text, phone call or Facebook message: Ask him! You clearly understand that you seduced him with your feminine wiles during this short trip, so don't be demure now. You've hooked your winning fish, so buck up and be upfront. A simple, "I'm bummed that we didn't have long to hang out with one another over our trip, any chance you'd like to see me some weekend?" If, for whatever reason, my answer doesn't fit your situation—if, for instance, there is a greater physical distance between you two than I'm imagining—then don't fret. Look at any and all possible avenues that will put you two in a closer proximity, be it a friend at his college (or close by) or a concert happening close by either your school or his. Make sure to keep it as casual as possible by looking for an excuse to visit him, and take advantage of it.
4. How do you make a player realize that you aren't going to be a one-night kind of a girl?
-Not-a-Playa at Notre Dame
Besides for the obvious, NND—that is, not sleeping with him--I'd suggest that you avoid alcohol and any other form of non-inhibiting substances that would make it easier for said player to woo you. Before I offer any advice I can, there's something you have to remember. If you have a particular "player" in mind, you have to remember to stand your ground. If you truly aren't a one-night kind of a girl, NND, then you have to remember that. I can't even begin to tell you about the number of girls I've seen pretend they aren't ready for a relationship, or declare that they "want to keep it casual," when in all actuality they're convinced that their "player" will change over time. Some guys are so set in their ways, that many girls fight a lost battle far longer than they should. However, that's not to say your scenario is the same as theirs. Be upfront, if you find yourself in a situation where he clearly wants a one-night type of thing, state the obvious: you are not that type of gal. If he's not ready for a relationship, don't cross him off completely. Hang out with him, show him that you're worth his time … Who knows? He may come to change his tune.