By now, most of us have read the book or watched the movie He’s Just Not That Into You. Guys send this message more times than we care to notice. Instead, we make excuses. We think a guy’s not calling or texting because he has a busy week with homework and classes or maybe work and friends. Or maybe he’s in a place with no cellphone service. Ah yes, that must be it.
But it doesn’t end there. Our female minds have a curious way of twisting words to make what a guy says not seem so bad. He says he doesn’t want a relationship right now, but you pass that off as a minor detail and think if you give him enough time and space, he’ll realize he wants to be with you. Let’s face it: you’d have to be living in a rom-com film for that to come true.
You’ll come up with any excuse to escape the fact that he might not like you as much as you thought he did or, in the words of author Greg Behrendt, “He’s just not that into you.” It’s time to get back in touch with reality and figure out what these guys are really trying to say.
I’m sharing with you eight excuses guys make and what they really mean, plus an added dose of reality for good measure.
The Excuse: He says he just got out of a bad relationship, and he’s afraid of getting hurt again.
She thinks: Oh, look at him … he’s hurting. I’m the perfect girl to show him that he can love again!
He really means: I’m just looking for pity sex.
Reality Check: Ah, yes – the Project Guy. For some reason, we love this guy. We see him as open, honest and maybe even a little vulnerable. After all, his last girlfriend used him. She was completely awful. He was underappreciated in his past relationship, and he deserves better. All he needs is the love of a good woman (i.e., you), and he’ll bounce right back … into another girl’s bed. Be wary of when a guy plays the “hurt card” – you’ll be the one getting hurt, not him.
The Excuse: He says he doesn’t want to get married until he’s 30.
She thinks: He’s exaggerating. He’s just like one of those guys who says he never wants to get married but then marries within the year. Maybe I can be the one to change his mind.
He really means: The single life looks like way more fun. Let’s have a non-serious, noncommittal relationship for a while, but don’t get any ideas about the future. You’re not in it.
Reality Check: Really, who wants to think about mortgage loans and Diaper Genies at age 20? You didn’t ask him to marry you, but he still feels the need to state this fact. We’ve all met a guy like this: Mr. Commitment-Phobe. Now, to be fair, the median age at first marriage is 28 for men and 26 for women. So maybe you’re not looking for a long-term commitment, either, and that’s why you’re attracted to him. In that case, such a statement doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. But if you’re looking for commitment, don’t bother trying to wear this guy down. If you want to get into the business of changing people, consider changing your major to psychology, but leave the guy alone. He’s not worth your time.
The Excuse: He says he really likes you, but he doesn’t know if he is ready to be in a serious relationship.
She thinks: If he really likes me, it’s only a matter of time before he’s ready for a relationship. I’m sure I can convince him to date me if I keep him close and keep it friendly … real friendly.
He really means: It’s not that I don’t want a relationship … I just don’t want one with you.
Reality Check: He could just as well say, “I don’t want to get married until I’m 30.” At least that gives you some kind of frame of reference, but not all guys will brave using the M-word around you. Marriage scares them that much, and who knows, maybe it freaks you out, too. But if you’re looking for a serious relationship, you better start looking somewhere else. This guy may not be looking for marriage, but he is looking for a serious relationship – he just doesn’t want one with you. Unfortunately, he’s too cowardly to tell you so, and he thinks he’s sparing your feelings by giving you this excuse instead of telling you the truth. It’s best to let go and move on.