You meet a guy at the bar and he invites you to his date party. You automatically think that means he wants to date you so you text him over and over again trying to hang out. And when that doesn’t work, you move on to the next one—someone, anyone to be your boyfriend.
If finding a boyfriend is at the top of your to-do list, you should probably cross it off right now. Trust me, there are way better things to do with your time. The guys aren’t always going to drop what they’re doing and sweep you off your feet; it’s a shame, we know, but this doesn’t mean you have to put all your energy into desperately searching for “the one.”
We talked to college girls and guys who shared their experiences about girls who didn’t get the “be a little mysterious” message. Marla Martenson, matchmaker, life coach, speaker, and author of Excuse Me, Your Soul Mate Is Waiting, tells us the secret truth about trying too hard.
What qualifies you as a desperate collegiette?
Going for what you want is good, but trying to turn every man you meet into your boyfriend is not. Although you might want a boyfriend, you don’t need one. If you’re always searching for a man to complete you, you could be a desperate collegiette (but don’t worry, Her Campus is here to help you!). This desperation can come in many forms: asking everyone you know to set you up on dates, fantasizing about your future with guys you just met, texting every guy in your phone hoping one of them will profess his love to you, or going home from the bar with random guys.
Marshall, a senior at the University of Michigan, tells us how he feels about desperate collegiettes. “We were hook-up buddies, I thought I had the perfect thing set up and then one night she just broke down crying asking to date me and then called and texted, making it painfully obvious she was struggling to make something more out of it than what was there which made her so much more unattractive.”
Lesson learned: If you’re just hook-up buddies, that could be all you are. Don’t assume every encounter you have with a guy has the potential to turn into a real relationship.
“I was tutoring this guy and started to like him. I knew I shouldn’t cross the professional boundaries, but for some reason I thought it was okay to drunkenly call and text him asking him to come over. I would also see him at the bar all the time and asked him to walk me home once. He said no, so I went home with his roommate. Now he thinks I’m crazy,” says Christina*, a junior at Michigan State University.
Lesson learned: Your sober instincts are probably your best instincts. If you can’t stop throwing yourself at guys when you start drinking, you might want to start limiting your alcohol (which you should be doing anyway to stay safe).
Michelle*, a senior at the University of Michigan, says, “I had a huge crush on a boy in my class who told me he didn’t have time for a girlfriend. I still continued to invite him out with me all the time and asked him for help in class. I did anything I could to spend time with him even though I knew he didn’t like me.”
Lesson learned: Don’t play dumb and pretend like you need him to be your study buddy just so you can spend time with him (plus, that’s so Mean Girls). If he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend, he doesn’t want a girlfriend (or he just doesn’t like you).
Why do you keep trying too hard with guys?
It’s likely caused by low self-esteem.
Martenson says, “Young women often derive their ‘worth’ from whether or not they have a boyfriend, and who that boyfriend is, how good looking, wealthy or popular.” Come on, collegiettes, you’re awesome and you know it—and you certainly don’t need a man to prove it. “When that special person comes along, he will be a complement to your life, the icing on the cake, not the cake,” Martenson says.
Your self-esteem is fine; you’re just looking to have fun.
If this is the case, enjoy the hook-up and then move on. It’s when you’re having hundreds of hook-ups with multiple men that you’re crossing the line between enjoying some fun, casual kisses and using make-out sessions to fill a void.
You think you need to try for the guy in order to get the guy.
It makes sense; you try harder in school to get better grades, you try harder at practice to beat the track record, but if you try harder at getting the guy, he will run in the opposite direction. Make him chase you!
Sometimes, we think we need a boyfriend so we try to pursue every available guy even when we don’t actually like any of them. Carly, a senior at the University of Michigan, noticed she was leaning towards desperate when she used to think, "I want a boyfriend" in general instead of "I want *Hot Boy John* to be my boyfriend." If he’s really the right guy for you, he won’t be replaceable.