Sitting around Starbucks, sipping on my Shaken Iced Tea Lemonade, I preoccupied myself while waiting for a friend with some good ol’ fashioned people watching. As the line wrapped around the building, I began to take notice of a guy, around 5’9” with dirty blonde hair, a fit build, and a killer smile. My friend Katie finally arrives and after I point out the stud in line, I notice her shaking her head wearily. “What?” I ask. “Seriously, Kaitlyn? He looks just like Marc…and Larry…and Rob!” After confirming this observation and shamefully laughing, it occurred to me that not only do we all have certain types we’re attracted to, but every college has certain types of guys that you’re destined to meet. So here they are, collegiettes, the ten guys you’ll meet whether you’re an Ohio State Buckeye, Delta State Fighting Okra, or Dartmouth Keg.
Photo Credit Christopher Peterson/BuzzFoto
These guys were GTL-ing way before Snooki professed her love for Jersey Shore Gorilla Juiceheads. The typical tanning bed victim can be spotted preparing for the weekend rager with a quick session at the gym, making sure to snag the spot, not beside the hot blonde on the elliptical, but in front of the mirror to watch his every flex. You’ll find him harassing the dining hall servers for the nutritional information on anything he’s even contemplating putting into his temple of a body. Beware of bright and blinding neon v-necks, the path his hair gel leaves behind him, and the stench of Ed Hardy for Men cologne sending nearby students into fits of fist pumps. Typical first dates usually end with a bar brawl fueled by the Jaeger Bombs he ordered with his Caesar salad, dressing on the side of course. However, despite the dangers that come from dating the likes of Luca ‘Good Time’ Linguine, just remember there’s always a Vinny hanging out with these Gorillas who knows how to treat a lady.
Looking like they just walked out of an Urban Outfitters photo shoot, you can usually spot The Hipster by the black, thick-rimmed glasses he wears despite his 20/20 vision. Smoking, silently lurking in the shadows outside the dorm, Hipsters are never without their most prized possession: a worn-in, cracked spine paperback edition of anything written by Vonnegut. In the market for one? Make sure you’re caught up on his late-night radio show, where he tackles the issues nonconformist individuals face every day like finding anything at the local Salvation Army, now that it’s the cool thing to do. You won’t find him hanging out at the nearest Starbucks; he doesn’t like his coffee mainstream. Instead, look for the guy NOT dancing at the nearest, obscure, underground Indie Rock venue.
The Twenty-Year-Old Has Been
Every freshman floor has one. Varsity jacket? Check. He never leaves the dormitory without it. Championship ring? That thing hasn’t come off his finger for months now. Hey, who knows – maybe after a few beers he’ll share with you the play-by-play of The Game where he made the quintessential tackle that ultimately led to an undefeated, winning season. Sure. As the years pass by, he’ll soon have to start sucking in his gut as he remembers when he was crowned Homecoming King. The only date this guy is taking you on is a stroll down memory lane. By the time senior year rolls around, he’ll be running his hand through his receding hairline, courtesy of the Greenwood High Warrior baseball cap he never took off after graduation, reminiscing about how drunk he got Post-Prom weekend. Unfortunately this guy has an expiration date and it was way back in 2008.
The Next JFK
Upon laying eyes on this campus cutie, you might just have to ask yourself, “Is he paying homage to How I Met Your Mother’s Barney Stinson?” This guy starts and ends his day suited up, from his 8 A.M. Introduction to Management to his business smart pajamas. With such classic good looks, it’s no surprise he’s wooed the entire student body into voting him Student Association president. Add that to the killer resume he spent his summers working on and the endless list of causes he’s devoted to and you’ve got yourself a keeper. He doesn’t need pick-up lines to catch your attention; this guy’s got more class than that. Nothing’s sexier to him than a woman who knows her midterm election candidates. Catch him at the voting booth or after his International Relations class, when he’ll be heading over to the campus bar, loosening up his tie along the way. And remember, drinks are on him.
The Beta Omega Rho Bro
Partying is not just for Saturday nights; it’s a lifestyle these bros are more committed to than their last serious relationship. Think I’m kidding? Even a semester abroad wouldn’t stop these guys from hitting up the American Sports Café for buckets of beer and buffalo chicken wings – in London no less. Some frat bros have six-packs and others are only familiar with the phrase when hitting up the local liquor store we all know that considers 21 to be more of a guideline than an actual law when it comes to purchases. Wearing his lax pinny, gym shorts, and a pair of Air Jordans, he always looks like he’s heading to a pick-up game of basketball. Whether they introduce themselves the night of the Under the Sea party by their pledge nickname or just simply as Adam, it’s probably for the best.