I’ve always used the word “shy” to describe myself; it’s about as vital to my personality as anything else. I was that little girl hiding behind her dad’s leg when he ran into his coworkers at the supermarket. Direct eye contact makes me uncomfortable and I cringe at the thought of small talk. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve used this word less and less. Not because it’s no longer true, but because I’ve realized that I’m not just shy…
Yes, I prefer listening in the background to telling crazy stories, and I’d rather hang out with a small group of really good friends than with a huge crowd of acquaintances. I’ll always choose a night in bed over two nights in a row at the club. But I also love having a good conversation over a good beer, spending time with old friends and making new ones, and dancing with strangers at bars. I am shy, but I love being social too. I am a living contradiction…the outgoing shy girl.
This is the easiest way to sum up the Rubix Cube that is my brain: I’m not anti-social, I’m selectively social. It’s really hard to meet people that I actually like because I’m always stuck inside my own head, but once I do I can be charming as hell. With the right crowd, I can evolve into the next Amy Schumer. I love making people laugh (and I’m pretty good at it, if we’re being real).
I guess that’s another way you could define me. I’m super outgoing in the right lighting, with that perfect angle, and some light filtering and editing. Too much social interaction drains me, but not enough leaves me restless and antsy. It’s a tricky balance. I have to find the right crowd with the right vibes or I’ll end up drowning in anxiety. Interjecting in group conversations is terrifying enough, but trying to find something to say to a group of near-strangers I have nothing in common with? Life threatening.
So that’s just it. I’m not shy but I’m not not shy. This might make me seem standoffish. You might have even heard me say that I hate people. None of which is true, of course. I love people and I’m actually a pretty nice person, but sometimes it’s hard to find a balance. On one end I’ve been told I come across as bitchy, on the other I’m too much of a flirt. It all just…depends.
Life is hard as an outgoing shy girl. It’s like you’re constantly at war with your own brain. Just do me a favor and start all the conversations, and don’t get annoyed when I run out of things to say. I promise I want to talk to you, but I’m awkward and bad at conversation.