Past fantasies of meeting a foreign boy during your study abroad trip are no longer relevant. You met him, you courted and now you’re in the throes of a full-blown foreign affair. His debonair looks and boyish accent are so irresistible that you’re quite perplexed at how to leave the relationship as your time abroad comes to a close. Do you come away with nothing more than memories of a romantic tryst in a faraway land or do you attempt to conquer the longest long-distance relationship ever? Oh, the decisions of worldly collegiettes!
The way we see it here at Her Campus, you’ve got three basic options. While it may be hard to decide which to go with, we’re here to guide you with expert relationship advice from psychologist Dr. Susan Pazak and real life stories from girls who began relationships of their own while in a foreign country.
Option 1: What Happens in a Foreign Country, Stays in a Foreign Country…
As any study abroad veteran can tell you, there are some things you really enjoy while abroad yet don’t necessarily care to bring back to the States for whatever reason: ice cream shops on every corner (hello, calories!), the ability to walk everywhere (do their feet never get tired?), a flirtatious stud muffin with eyes that peer right into your soul (so, how’s this long-distance thing going to work out?).
Macey, a student at the University of Maine, says of her relationship with Owen, an Irish lad she met in England, (cue dreamy sighs), “our time together had a clear expiration date.” And this is indicative of many flings abroad. They’re good enough to continue until you board that plane home but not quite enough to bring past the border. “It was fun to hang out with him and get to know him and his friends, but things remained super casual,” she adds. “In a way, this was a good thing because near the end of our time he got a little clingy, and since I was leaving I didn’t have to have ‘the talk’ with him. He doesn’t have Facebook or Skype, so it was weird to leave knowing I will never see him again.”
Advice from the Expert: “For girls who have a clear breakup after meeting someone abroad, the perspective to take will be to look at the value of the experience –hopefully with no regrets,” says Dr. Pazak. “Look at the situation as meeting someone and having some nice times and memories together. If there are regrets, work through the negative thoughts and feelings, process them and let them go, focusing on the lesson and experience.”
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Option 2: It’s Been Fun, Keep in Touch!
The experience of living in, traveling through, and soaking up the culture of a new country will bring you into contact with so many new people. You’ll develop tons of new friendships, some of which you’ll want to continue once your program ends. Why break off all forms of communication with a guy you’ve had a little foreign rendezvous with if you enjoyed more than just his sweet kisses?
“I am pretty sure we will break it off when the program ends and hopefully keep in touch over Skype later on,” says Resham, a University of California, Irvine student, of her current relationship with a British boy she met while studying in Singapore. Read: it’s perfectly OK to ditch the romance and keep the friendship. “He’s a great guy, but really, unless I am completely head over heels in love, I can’t even imagine trying to make a long-distance relationship work,” she says.
Advice from the Expert: “When the two parties stay in touch without having any commitments or exclusivity, be careful that one party does not experience jealousy or want more than the other can give,” Dr. Pazak advises. “That would be the risk, especially if the relationship was physical while together. If both of you are in agreement about staying friends or acquaintances then the friendship could be rewarding and long term.”
Option 3: Let’s Make This Last Forever
Every so often, a girl meets a boy and falls head-over-heels in love with him. Just as in any other long-distance relationship, the two involved do everything they can to make it work. So if you find yourself suddenly smitten with a foreign boy and are devastated at the thought of leaving that feeling behind, the solution is simple: don’t! Though it may be a tricky topic to bring up, approach it openly with your guy. If he isn’t on the same page as you – an across-the-world relationship is a huge commitment – respect that.
Abigail, a student at Lasell College who studied abroad in Australia last year, is dealing with just that situation. “It wasn’t really fast,” she says about her relationship with Australia-based Duncan. “It was very mutual and we just enjoyed each other’s company so much,” she says. With the help of all the fabulous technological advances, it isn’t hard to stay in touch. “We Skype all the time, and we use the IPhone app, WhatsApp, that allows free texting and you can send photos. We write letters and send packages; it’s actually really fun,” Abigail adds. And, unwilling to let a good thing go, Abigail and Duncan plan to reunite this summer after she graduates. “My plan is to go back with him after he visits me in September and try to find a job. We’ll see what happens, but I’m pretty sure Duncan and I will try to find an apartment together.”
Advice from the Expert: “Long-distance relationships are challenging. So much time can be spent on looking forward to phone calls, Skype calls, and trips to meet up that one or both lose sight of their studies, work, other relationships and commitments,” says Dr. Pazak. “The relationship can work and be satisfying and fulfilling, though. Have a plan for the relationship. Open, honest communication about expectations, needs and wants would need to be consistent, especially prior to leaving.”
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Tips for Staying in Touch
Since becoming collegiettes, we’ve also become pros at navigating long-distance friendships. Still, romantic relationships are a completely different story. If you do decide to allow your romance to keep blossoming, communication will be key. And, while Mr. Zuckerberg has given us a great tool with which to communicate, you don’t need to rely solely on Facebook.
Get Creative: Find a cute, unique, just-between-us way to stay in touch with your guy: postcards, packages, hand-written letters. Anything that will keep the excitement of your relationship fresh will do wonders.
Be Consistent: Waiting by the phone for a guy to call is never easy. That difficulty is doubled by the time difference and tripled by the expense and variety of communicative tools. Silly as it may seem, try creating a schedule for calls or plan the next call each time you speak.
Speak Your Mind: Though Skype is great for allowing you two to see each other, there will be few physical elements which, let’s admit, are a huge part of many relationships. When words are all you have, you need to use them effectively. Be verbally affectionate and tell your guy exactly how you’re feeling.
Whichever direction you decide to take your relationship, know what will work for you and stick with it. There is no sense in making yourself miserable for a boy half a world away when deep down inside you know you’ll never see him again. Likewise, if you feel you’ll never again be as enamored with a guy as you are now, make it work!
We wish your study abroad experience to be filled with many new opportunities and people, and among them, a foreign guy whose heart you’ll steal. Take it where you may…
Sources
Dr. Susan Pazak, clinical psychologist
Macey, University of Maine student
Resham, University of California, Irvine student
Abigail, Lasell College student