First dates can be tough. You’re stressed about what to say, you’re worried your skirt’s riding up, you spill water from the pitcher when you’re pouring or you slurp your spaghetti just a little too loudly (Note: Never order spaghetti on a first date). But apparently that’s not all that can go wrong—you may just wind up sitting across from a self-obsessed narcissist who’s an embarrassingly stereotypical writer.
Thankfully, there are other, amused writers nearby to document the absurd happenings of such first dates. Prepare for an uncomfortably awkward immersion into the experience of two oblivious first-daters, as recorded via live tweet by Toronto-based writer Anne Thériault.
First, we’re given a quick intro—one that elicits immediate interest, of course.
Watching a couple on what appears to be a terrible first coffee date at the table next to me. Dude is every precious self-involved writer.
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Then, we see what she means.
“I’m writing a screenplay. It’s about this guy who never really feels like he fits in. Like he’s just different”
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Oh please, did he really just say that?
“People tell me I look like James Franco.”
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
And if it couldn’t get worse, he then becomes overtly rude and probably sexist.
Girl works for a non-profit. Dude is condescendingly explaining to her why most non-profit models don’t work, he looked into making one once
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Yes, this is in fact real, and not a poorly written YA romance novel.
OH NO NOW HE’S TALKING ABOUT HOW HIS FEAR OF HAVING CHILDREN STEMS FROM HIS DADDY ISSUES AND I CANNOT
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
And now, for the well-deserved, much-anticipated and hilariously obvious bailout.
Girl just looked at her phone in feigned surprise. “Oh weird, I have a text from my mom.” I just snorted audibly, turned it into fake cough
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Girl: “yeah, she’s, uh, worried she left her stove on. she’s in a meeting and can’t go home. I’d better go check for her.”
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Dude: do you want to go and come back? Girl: It’s pretty far. Maybe we can do this again next week? I’ll text you. OUT THE DOOR LIKE A SHOT
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Well, now that we’re mortified for mystery man, we can’t help but wonder what all of our own awkward life events would look like in live tweet. On second thought, we’d rather not know.
Anyway, for a writer, mystery man sure lacks originality. Thériault, on the other hand, is someone we’d love to read again. For the full recounting, you can visit her Twitter.