Whoever said all things awkward end after the preteen years clearly wasn’t a girl. Can we get some sort of badge of honor for going through these things?
1. Buying feminine products when there’s a guy cashier
*avoids all eye contact*
2. Picking up birth control at the pharmacy
“What was that you said you needed, honey? Oh, birth control!” *yells across pharmacy* “Jim, this young lady needs her birth control filled!”
3. When your doctor asks if you’re sexually active
What, is there some sort of activation code? A number to call, a button to press?
4. Pap smears
Can we not have a casual conversation and pretend like you’re not half a foot inside of me with metal clamps?
5. When commercials about Vagisil and Monistat come on TV when there’s a guy in the room
Then they promptly look over at you, terrified, like your lady parts are about to sprout weeds and release decrepit creatures.
6. When an overly excited dog nose-dives into your crotch
And then the frantic reaction of the owner (probably thinking you have some sort of funky situation going on down south) trying to rip the dog away as he’s all up in your grill, sniffing your goodies. You nervously laugh to pretend like you weren’t just violated by a poodle.
7. Unexpected company when you aren’t wearing a bra
And then the breeze picks up when you open the door…
8. When your tampon string hangs out of your swimsuit
Don’t even pretend like it’s never happened to you.
9. Seeing your teacher/best friend’s mom/doctor naked in the gym dressing room
It’s great to see you and all, but for God’s sake, can you please put on a bra?
10. Hooking up with a guy and remembering you have Spanx on
There is no discreet way to get those puppies off.
11. Whale tails
You now realize those seventh-grade boys weren’t yelling “save the whales” for their environmental science project, but rather because your thong was halfway up your back when you bent down to grab your purse.
12. Getting measured for a bra
“If you’ll put your arms up, sweetie, I’m just gonna reach right across your breasts here… don’t mind if I graze your nipple.”
13. When you fall over trying to walk in high heels
There is just no way to pull that off like it didn’t happen.
14. Making eye contact while eating a banana
It’s not your fault you just enjoy people watching while you eat fruit. Can’t a girl enjoy her daily dose of potassium without feeling like a seductress?
15. When your mom asks you lady-part-related health questions at the dinner table in front of your dad
She couldn’t have picked a better time?
16. When the wind catches your dress and takes it for a ride
Marilyn Monroe set the standards impossibly high. It’s really not that glamorous when it happens, especially on a day when you happen to be wearing granny panties.
17. When you hit an all-time low and have to get a tampon from the rusty quarter dispenser in the bathroom
You body slam it and shake it so it comes out quickly before anyone sees you, but instead just draws more attention to you as it squeaks and spits out the broken cardboard tampon.