Husband-Hunting in College: Getting Your MRS Degree
Friday, September 24, 2010
By
As little girls, our parents told us that we could grow up to be anything we wanted to be. The key was education, and presumably a college or a graduate degree. Want to be a doctor? Go get that PhD! A lawyer? You’ll have that JD in no time! A teacher, a scientist, a businesswoman? With a degree, the world would be ours.
But just a couple generations back, some women went to college for a very different type of degree – their MRS, earned by finding their future husband in the hallowed halls of a university. The logic was simple – if a woman had no particular career aspirations but wanted to get married, she could meet scores of smart and successful men on a college campus. So to college she went, flirting with boys in her classes and dating as many men as possible, all in an effort to have a ring on her finger by graduation.
Now, to ambitious modern collegiettes™ like ourselves, the concept of going to school solely to find a husband may seem laughable. We’re smart, we’re successful, and we’re independent women who don’t need a man to make our lives complete (you know you love rocking out to that Destiny’s Child song after finals as much as I do!).
But then again, the term MRS degree still gets thrown out there every now and then. Maybe we’re grumbling about our impossible homework and saying we won’t need Physics when we’re trophy wives, maybe we’re considering partying at the Pre-Med frat or laying out in the Law Quad to find more eligible bachelors, or maybe we’re watching the hilarious video by the Columbia ladies who are looking for their MRS in business school (see below). So what gives? Are we really just joking around about finding a husband in college, or is that really something that we’re looking for deep down, and is there anything wrong with that?
Family Ties
In many cases, women who are looking for husbands in college are doing so because they first and foremost want to be mothers, and marriage is the desirable first step to starting a family.
“I don’t want to get married right this instant, but I want to be a stay-at-home mom, so I need to find a husband eventually,” said Anna, a sophomore at the University of Michigan. “My mom was a stay-at-home mom and I too want to be active in my kids’ lives. I don’t want to define my life by my career; my family makes me who I am.”
This loyalty to raising a family is reflective of societal gender roles that haven’t really changed much in the last few decades, despite expanded educational opportunities for women. It’s still widely believed that women are responsible for maintaining a home and raising a family, regardless of whether or not they work outside of the home. Today’s college girls know that balancing those traditionally female duties with a full-time career can be endlessly difficult, which is why some women have decided to end their time in the workforce once they have children.
“I want to have my own career because I want to be able to support myself if things don’t work out they way I’m hoping they do,” said Kaydee, a junior at the University of Michigan. “But when I have kids, I won’t want to work – I consider raising children to be a job of its own, and I think society respects the value in that.”
For many women, working until children come along seems like a good way to put their college degree to use. Today, girls outnumber boys at most American colleges, and we’ve put a lot of time and effort into our education. So, for example, a woman with an engineering degree might feel the need to spend some time as an engineer, as her knowledge of engineering probably won’t be used much while raising her children. But for many women who prioritize family first, they do so with the understanding that their careers will take a hit, either by deciding to work part-time or not at all.
This trend can be seen even at America’s most elite universities, where female students are expected to become the country’s next leaders just like their male counterparts. Many women there, however, are more concerned about being leaders in the household. Interviews done with 138 female students at Yale in 2005 indicate that over 60% of them planned to cut back on work or leave the workforce entirely when they have children, and a 2001 survey of recent Harvard Business School alumnae shows that 31% of them were working only part-time, and another 31% were no longer working at all.
Now, most of these women probably didn’t go to college exclusively to find a husband. But with the strong desire to raise a family one day in mind, many college girls have started to look around while they’re here.
“I wasn’t looking for a husband when I came to college, but now that I’m a senior, I am,” Karin, a University of Michigan senior, said. “When I’m into a guy, I end up wondering if he’d be a good fit for a husband, if he’s going places in life. I’m 21, and I think it’s about time to find someone I can see myself settling down with.”
Not only are there a plethora of single guys on campus, but also the logic from our mothers’ days still holds true – these men will be successful one day, and could likely support a family with only one income.
“I want to be married by the time I’m 27, so there isn’t an urgency right now,” Kaydee said. “But at the same time, there are so many opportunities to meet guys in college and you know they’re ambitious. Where would I meet a husband after college, on a blind date? In a bar?”
Career Women
While many girls want to have a family one day, not all women want to give up a career to do so. For women who place higher value in having a successful career, looking for a man in college is more of an afterthought – while it would be nice to meet a husband on campus, they’re not out there looking for one, and it’s definitely not why they’re here.
“I just don’t understand why a girl would spend X amounts of years and dollars only to find a guy that they may or may not end up with,” said Caroline, a University of Michigan junior. “What if they didn’t find anyone? It just seems like a huge waste.”
And while the Columbia B-School video is obviously hilarious, some girls think it would be ludicrous to go to grad school for a man.
“I’m applying to med school right now, and there’s no way I’d be going just to find a husband – why would I put myself through that torture if I didn’t actually want to be doctor when I graduated?” said Kate, a senior at the University of Michigan.
It seems like most women today want to have a career, but what differs is whether or not girls plan to remain devoted to that career once a family comes along. For women that do want to remain working, many point to their background and upbringing as evidence that balancing a career and motherhood is possible, and sometimes desirable.
“I went to an all-girls school for 13 years, so I was taught independence, feminism, and to rely on myself instead of a man,” says Hannah, a sophomore at the University of Michigan. “I’m also from New York City and everybody there has a working mother, so I’ve seen the value of having a mom with a strong career – now I’m working to have one of my own.”
“My mom was a stay-at home mom, and taking care of four kids is definitely a full-time job,” Rachel, a University of Michigan junior, said. “But having a career of my own is really important to me – I want to manage to be an attorney and a mom, and while that might be difficult, it’s certainly worth a shot.”
A Balancing Act
No matter your views on motherhood, the concept of finding a man in college can be quite compelling. As college women, many of us feel enormous pressure to do it all – to become a successful career person, a loving wife, and a devoted mother – and sometimes, the thought of getting an MRS degree can seem much easier than that PhD. There’s a certain allure in the simplicity of it – all a girl needs to do is find a boy to marry, and for the rest of her life, she will be taken care of.
But today’s college girl, despite her plans for the future, wants to know that she can take care of herself. This means that many women are waiting until later on to start a family, which allows them time to complete their education and get a strong start in their careers. People are getting married later than ever these days, with the median age for first marriage being 26 for women. Compare that to 21, the median age for women in the 1970s, and there’s clearly been a major shift in thinking since MRS degrees were in their peak of popularity.
Our generation was born after the feminist movements of our mothers’ times, and that push for independence might make us feel more inclined to focus on our careers, or to wait longer before worrying about having a family. But that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong to be looking for a husband now, especially if having a family is your top priority. Husband-hunting might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but in my opinion, the basic message of feminism is the same one that our parents told us when we were children: that we can grow up to be anything we want to be. Whether that’s a career woman, a wife and mother, or some combination of the two is up to you.
Sources
Anna, University of Michigan sophomore
Caroline, University of Michigan junior
Hannah, University of Michigan sophomore
Karin, University of Michigan senior
Kate, University of Michigan senior
Kaydee, University of Michigan junior
Rachel, University of Michigan junior
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?_r=3&scp=1&sq=20%20somethings&st=cse
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/20/national/20women.html
More in:
About the Author
Biography
Sarah Smith is a junior at the University of Michigan, Class of 2012, majoring in Communication Studies and Political Science. She is the Editor-in-Chief of The Forum, Michigan's Greek Life Newspaper, and the secretary of Michigan's chapter of Ed2010. Sarah is also an active member of Alpha Delta Pi Sorority, and she currently serves Michigan's Panhellenic Association as the Vice President of Public Relations. A native of Sterling Heights, MI, she has been a Michigan fan since birth and loves spending Saturday mornings cheering on her Wolverines. Some of her favorite things include The Office, Audrey Hepburn, women's magazines, and microwave popcorn - preferably with lots of butter and salt!
- Her Story: I’m a Mom in College
- Top five summer drinks
- What to Expect on the First Day of Your Summer Internship
- The Bro Blog On Friends With Benefits And Formals
- When "the best four years of your life" are over: Feeling Down About Graduating From College
- Links We Love 5.20.12
- 12 Step Program to Getting Over a Guy
- 10 Must See Summer Movies!
- Travel Safe, Travel Smart
- Globe-Trekking: 5 Post-Grad Jobs to Travel the World
Comments
Just read this article and I could not agree more. I am currently an undergrad student, majoring in education or possibly psychology, although I really have no idea what career I'd like to embark on. All I know that is one day I want to be a mother. That is all I've ever really wanted to do, and if feminists have an issue with that, they should deal with it because it is not their choice to make. There is nothing wrong or shameful in being a stay-at-home mom. It is one of the hardest jobs out there, but I'd much rather stay at home with my children and have them raised the way I want than put them in a mediocre day care every day. If you'd really like my opinion, I think the lack of stay at home moms are a major reason why society is so messed up today - children are being raised by the TV while negligent babysitters do other things. But that's a whole other story! ;)
However, I am in college to become educated and get a degree. I know I will need to work for 10-15 years and if things don't work out like I hope, I have something to fall back on besides a part-time waitressing gig at Chili's. And I do enjoy school and learning. One day, when my formal education is over, I can guarantee I will not stop learning, whether it be through my kids, a part time job, volunteer work, etc.
Life is different for everyone - a full time career might be perfect for one woman, and being a housewife the best for another. It's just a matter of personal choice. I respect your opinion, and you should respect mine as well. Thank you for reading, and have a great day.
I'm telling all of you right now I am doctoral candidate of computer science in enterprise information systems, a MS of IT project management, and a BS of psychology with some very high valued certs and experience to back it up. You women (MRS candidates) who go to college with the intention of finding a successful husband are wasting your time. I'd like to say that I’m rather intelligent compared to the average man. I know what women are looking for when I converse with them, and what we gentlemen are looking for is someone who is in it for us, not you.
A woman is supposed to support and complement her husband, not reap the benefits of his hard work and talent. If you’re truly in it to be a trophy wife, then the best you’ll find is a guy who appears to have promise because he’s getting a degree in business, law, engineering or a medical science. Sounds good right? If a man at that stage of the game is already falling for cute smiles then chances are he won’t have the tenacity, intelligence, or leadership skills to actually use those degrees in a high paying job; ergo thwarting your original goal. All of a sudden when these women graduate and find better jobs than the first guy they married, they want a divorce because they’re having either physical or mental affairs with successful men at their new jobs.
Any strong and intelligent leader has a backbone that a woman will submit to. We don’t care how hot you are. Coming from Vegas, I think I know where the hotties are if I want one. If you want to truly impress a successful man into getting on that knee, you better actually love and employ those skills you learned in that physics class and make a salary similar to his. Otherwise, what good are you?
Here’s my point. Go to a university to get an education with the intention of bettering your personal career and socioeconomic goals and ability to give back to society. Look for a husband somewhere else that relates to your religious perspectives, your hobbies, and your likes.
By the way … do I sound like an old man? I’m 27.
THANK YOU! very good point. when I hear my fellow classmates say they only are going to college to get an MRS degree, I want to punch them in the face.
I'm telling all of you right now I am doctoral candidate of computer science in enterprise information systems, a MS of IT project management, and a BS of psychology with some very high valued certs and experience to back it up. You women (MRS candidates) who go to college with the intention of finding a successful husband are wasting your time. I'd like to say that I’m rather intelligent compared to the average man. I know what women are looking for when I converse with them, and what we gentlemen are looking for is someone who is in it for us, not you.
A woman is supposed to support and complement her husband, not reap the benefits of his hard work and talent. If you’re truly in it to be a trophy wife, then the best you’ll find is a guy who appears to have promise because he’s getting a degree in business, law, engineering or a medical science. Sounds good right? If a man at that stage of the game is already falling for cute smiles then chances are he won’t have the tenacity, intelligence, or leadership skills to actually use those degrees in a high paying job; ergo thwarting your original goal. All of a sudden when these women graduate and find better jobs than the first guy they married, they want a divorce because they’re having either physical or mental affairs with successful men at their new jobs.
Any strong and intelligent leader has a backbone that a woman will submit to. We don’t care how hot you are. Coming from Vegas, I think I know where the hotties are if I want one. If you want to truly impress a successful man into getting on that knee, you better actually love and employ those skills you learned in that physics class and make a salary similar to his. Otherwise, what good are you?
Here’s my point. Go to a university to get an education with the intention of bettering your personal career and socioeconomic goals and ability to give back to society. Look for a husband somewhere else that relates to your religious perspectives, your hobbies, and your likes.
By the way … do I sound like an old man? I’m 27.
At UChicago, the running joke is that there is a 50% chance that you'll marry someone else who went to UChicago. I work with alumni and the joke is actually pretty accurate, although its closer to 40% if I'm correct. Sometimes its not necessarily that you go to college looking for a ring, but that you just happen to find someone who thinks the same way as you do when you're at college. I think one of the girls in the article made a good point in questioning where else she was going to be around a group of people that she matched in terms of intellectual ability and obviously the choice to go to the same school. Its definitely not true in all cases, but I figure if you find someone that you're good with, what's the point on holding out on a relationship just because you don't want to be classified as someone who just went to college to get their MRS degree.
I mean, I definitely joke that I'll make a really good trophy wife after a tough OChem exam and my friends just shake their heads. I'm totally kidding, and although I'd be up for a charity gala and wearing ball gowns every week, I hope that I can achieve all that on my own. Maybe I'm biased; although I'm not planning on getting married for awhile, I've been in a relationship that started at college for 2.5 years and I want to balance my working career (as some sort of doctor or maybe as a surgeon) with having a family, because that's important to me. No one said it would be easy, but I'm up for the challenge!
I have a lot of friends at religious institutions, and a lot of them are engaged or married, and I'm from a small town in NC, so I even know a lot of girls from high school that are married with families. Its not for me, but that doesn't mean its not for everyone! At the same time, I think its difficult for a lot of us because we're the ones closing the gap. Many of us have mothers that were in their early twenties when they started having kids (my mom was 22 when she had me and its crazy to think that that in a little over a year from now in terms of my life) and so it becomes difficult to know what the "right" thing to do is. All the literature says that our generation is mainly concerned with doing it "right" and being happy, and I think they're right.
Boys in college are too tool-ish (at least the Ivy League school I'm at) to actually make good husbands; they don't even want to be in a monogamous relationship! I lament the fact that boys in college don't like dating or commitment, they just want to hook up. At least if you're from my school, good luck finding a husband!
My father was a stay-at-home-Dad. Shout out to all the girls looking to be the bread winners in a relationship! I think that women should be able to switch to part time, or not work at all, if all they want to do is be with their family. But no woman should be forced to choose between her career and her family. Husbands and wives should take turns going back to work so that neither's career goes into jeopardy. Or do what my parent's did; one parent take the evening shift of kids, and the other take the day shift. Either way, I think it's ridiculous to go to college just to find a husband. Women should go to college to educate themselves and grow into an intellectual, independent individual. It's hard to focus on education when you're constantly guy hunting.
The basis of this article relies on statistics from a series of "interviews" of Yale women from a piece in the NY Times that indicates 60% of them are looking to be stay at home moms. Apparently this writer did not do her homework, or she would have taken the time to notice that this article's statistics were proven TAINTED by the Times.
The writer of the article, Louise Story, admitted to only interviewing freshman and seniors from Yale via email. She never interviewed any undergrad outside of Yale, and only targeted two dorms out of the 12 at Yale's campus. The questions were never released, and the data pool was minuscule. It caused an uproar, and landed Ms. Story in incredibly hot water. Her reporting was neglectful at best, and downright manipulative at worst.
See it here: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/23/national/23women-sidebar.html
In other words, there's no way that 138 Yale students encompass the feeling of all female undergrads in this country. And, building an article off of poor journalism makes that article, in turn, poor journalism. I'm amazed no one caught this in the editing process, and that's a shame.
Coming from the UK, I can say that this is a universal undergraduate issue for females, it was even acknowledged on my first day at Durham University (many years ago) by the college dean. He said that it was statistically likely that 1/3 of us would meet our significant other there. Needless to say it created an uncomfortable atmosphere among the throng who had only been talking for five minute prior to this address.
Many years later I have roughly equal divisions of friends who are married (some beginning to start families) and some including my best friend who pursue high-earning careers whilst frantically searching match.com for what they now regard as an elusive piece of modern life's jigsaw puzzle.
Yet life seldom works out according to charts and 'to do' lists. I think women should not be holding it against themselves if they they don't manage to find a sufficient someone at uni. When will we stop heaping pressure on ourselves? The divorce rate in the UK is almost 50% now, so hunting for husbands at university does not garuntee a long-lived marriage. What next, searching for eligable educated men in the hope of good divorce settlements?
I say give yourself a chance but bear in mind that having children is not a God-given right and that an education may well last beyond a relationship. Use your time at uni to have fun but make it count for the primary reason you worked hard to get there.
Interesting article. It finally made me realize the term for this concept, once that I've been witnessing these last few years.
I would take it a step farther and state that these young MRS degree graduates also purposefully obtain low-risk, low-stress jobs, knowing full well that their new husband (the main breadwinner now) takes care of all of their financial needs. I've met plenty of 25 to 30 year married women who work these fluff type of jobs like part-time photography, part-time teller work, etc, because they can, all while still being able to drive home to their two-story house in their luxurious SUV's. I suppose they don't have to work, but they do so to probably try and have some "activity" in their career.
And hey, more power to them. If I had the choice I would probably do the same. But it's a risky path, because it's only as good as the income that keeps coming in.
Post new comment