Irene S. Levine

More by Irene S. Levine

Balancing Friends and Roommates

5/30/2010

I'm really good friends with my roommate, but sometimes she just gets on my nerves. How can I maintain my distance when I don't want to "hang out" and not hurt her feelings?

Living with someone else can be tough---whether it’s a lover, a spouse, a parent, a sibling, or a friend. Because of the limited space and opportunity for privacy, a cramped dorm room can be particularly challenging, especially if roommates haven’t shared their personal space with someone else before. So roomies need to be sensitive and somewhat flexible in making accommodations to one another.

Even though your roommate may get on your nerves at times (and vice versa), you can still preserve your close friendship if you are able to communicate tactfully. Hopefully, you’ll feel comfortable enough to discuss your need for boundaries, explaining that this is about you rather than about her, per se. This might include talking about your need to have alone time, to have quiet time, to have privacy, or to expand your circle of friends to include additional people besides her. You’ll also want to hear your roommate’s needs so you can be respectful of her as well.

If you've been living together for a while and your friend doesn’t adhere to boundaries that you’ve previously agreed upon, you may need to simply close the door to your room or wear headphones (even if you’re not listening to anything) to signal that you want to be alone. While you wouldn’t would to inadvertently hurt your friend’s feelings, you have no choice but to be honest about your need for "me time."

Balancing Old and New Friends with Activities

5/9/2010

How can a go-getter (involved in clubs, jobs, and internships) avoid drifting from her old friends and neglecting a social life during her college years?

Old friendships are the scrapbooks of our lives, so you’ll want to judiciously balance old friends with new ones. It’s hard to replace the memories you share with: the friend you walked with on the first day of grade school, the guy who took you to the senior prom, or your BFF who was on the soccer team with you throughout high school.

But during the college years, you have an unparalleled opportunity to broaden your interests and experiences. That’s one of the reasons you’re going to college! Keep yourself open to new people and don’t let yourself be weighed down by old friendships that you have outgrown or don’t really have time for now. At the same time, plan to use some of your vacation between semesters to plan face-to-face get-togethers with old friends and stay in contact with them during the year through Facebook and instant messages.

Critical Dinner Friends

4/28/2010

What can you say to buddies in this situation to get them off your back: You go to a restaurant.  They order burgers and fries. You order a salad. They mock you and proceed with comments like "That's not real food. Why do you always get a salad? Are you trying to lose weight? Ugh, you're so annoying." Some of my healthier friends and I have talked about how self-conscious this makes us feel when people are constantly on our back and making us feel guilty just for trying to get some nutritional value in our lives.

If it only happens once, ignore it. These are your friends and they’re probably teasing you because they’re feeling guilty about indulging. There’s no need to feel self-conscious; you are doing what you feel is good for you.

If it happens multiple times or is being done in a nasty way, you need to come up with a plan of action. Perhaps you could explain how their comments make you feel, either at lunch or afterwards, and do so firmly. They’ll probably be able to tell from the tone of your voice that you mean, “Cut it out.”

If they don’t respond, you can try to ask your BFF to serve as your ally and tell the rest of the group to lighten up because it’s beginning to annoy you. If the problem still persists, your buddies may be the same kind of friends who were the “mean girls” at your lunch table at middle school. You can either chalk it up to their immaturity or look for a new table with friends who don’t judge their friends’ eating habits.