Thanksgiving is a time of family, where everybody from the family gathers, whether it’s your nosy Aunt Becky, sweet Grandma Maggie, or quote Meredith Grey, “Dirty Uncle Sal.” And when characters from all universes come together to dine at one table–well, some clashing is inevitable. Coupled with the fact that Thanksgiving always lands not too far after election day, there will always be some serious disagreement going on not too long after the wine’s been served.
I’m somehow still at the age where I’m not old enough to sit at the adult’s table…so I sit and babysit the children. But others, are not so lucky. Here’s how to survive your crazy family during Thanksgiving.
The Avid Kisser
We love hugs. And kisses. But not when we’re overloaded, and certainly not when it’s a very loooooooong kiss on the lips. (Remember Ross’s Aunt Millie from friends?) Somehow the internet doesn’t yet have Aunt Millie GIFs, so here’s a good ol’ fashioned photo. But someone needs to remedy this dire situation immediately, lest we should remain with the gaping hole of incompleteness in the GIF inventory. GIF makers out there! I’m looking at you!
Solution A: Before they get to you, cough really, really loudly. And then tell them you’re getting sick, because mumps is going around along with a whole slew of other infections. Streptococcus, Staphylcoccus, Meningococcus, Turkeycoccus, Gravycoccus (Just put lots of words in front of coccus and it becomes bacteria).
Solution B: This will require some suffering on your part. But hey, no pain, no gain, right? Put some nasty flavor on your lips, or if you know your Aunt Millie really well, then coat your lips will some taste she’ll hate. Operant conditioning’s the charm.
Solution C: Just let Aunt Millie kiss you, and be thankful. Families need to be held together, and what’s a little kissing, even if it may have robbed you of your first kiss?
The Nosy Gossip
Cue Aunt Becky. There’s nothing she loves more than a good bit of dirt or gossip on every member in the family. And probably was a detective in her past life, because she interrogates to no end, and somehow puts together the pieces from every different person.
Solution A: Ask all her questions back at her. “Are you dating?” “Good question, Aunt Becky, are you?”
Solution B: Run away.
Solution C: Tell her a fun, cute story to keep her satisfied. It’s Thanksgiving! The theme is thanks, but is also giving, so why not let Aunt Becky have a little fun.
The Not-so-diplomatic Politician
We know it’s inevitable. And while political debates are always nice to see interest in the politics and future policies of the country, Thanksgiving might be a good time to put aside those differences, and try to understand each other. This election was especially divisive, and the conversation is only likely to be more heated at the table. That said…here are some ways to prevent an all out food fight between two (or more) sides of the family. Trust me, especially if you have kids around, you do not want to begin a food war.
Solution A: Find some way to engage but by not really saying anything too pointed. Try to understand their point of view, and offer your own without invoking too much of an emotional response. Most of all, don’t raise your voice, because once we’re at a certain threshold of decibels, you’re no longer discussing, you’re arguing.
Solution B: Change the subject to necrotizing fasciitis (flesh-eating bacteria). Let me show you how. “So, the election huh…it was crazy…what are your thoughts?” “Oh, well I find that my mind is often occupied by necrotizing fasciitis. It’s a very dangerous flesh eating bacteria, you know. Like, you could need to have your limbs amputated.”
Solution C: Yeah…I don’t have one this time.
The Humble Braggart
So your second cousin Vincent or Winston or something just got into like every law school there is on the planet, or has just received his signing bonus from McKinsey, or something. He wants everybody to know. His parents want everybody to know, and his sister…well, she’s just plain bitter by always being shadowed by her perfect brother. Regardless. You’ve heard the tale. You’ve heard it again. And…oops…he’s making his way over again.
Solution A: Outshine him. Just do it. He wants to be a humble braggart, just find another example of someone you know who’s one upped him. “Oh, congrats! That’s amazing. Maybe you’ll meet my friend XXX. She applied to both law school and business school, and got into both.” Or better yet, if you have some accomplishments of your own, feel free to whip out a resume.
Solution B: Tune him out until he stops talking. Feel free to also check your phone/text until the message gets across that you have little interest in hearing the story.
Solution C: Congratulate him. It’s likely that if you very heartily show your happiness for him (or even if you fake it well), he’ll feel satisfied and just go bother another indifferent individual with his accomplishments. Even so…it’s nice to feel impressed for family members, even if they are waaaaaaaay too enthusiastic about it.
As you may have noticed with your keen eye that solution C always follows the same pattern. It’s a holiday time, and a time to cut people some slack, and just be thankful for your family. Cherish what you have right now, but honestly, if worst comes to worst, just smile and wave.